Yor Ryeter

[1: 1,208 of 10,000] Sensitive + Be Professional

In Journal on November 12, 2013 at 3:21 AM

I was called sensitive and I was asked to be professional. He has a reason to say those, there is a basis. So I wonder, what is wrong with me?

Why am I so sensitive or the better truth is critical? I am putting too much pressure on myself and it’s exhausting. I am shielding myself so much that I shut people off. Is it wrong to be defensive and careful if I know I can’t trust the person in front of me? I deserve better than being given a tone. I am not a slave who would just accept a bitching.

I am extremely challenged that I struggle not to mirror people. I tend to give back the treatment that others give me. I keep repeating Mother Theresa’s beautiful words that even if others are mean, be kind anyway. I don’t want to be weak, vulnerable, and being bullied. I don’t deserve it… No one deserve it.

The wall that says I should respect him diminished into thin air the moment he repeatedly insulted me in the past. I can’t bring myself to honour him if he doesn’t act honourable. It is not fair. And then he asked me to be professional. I wish he just leave me alone if I don’t feel like talking to him because I am working my butt anyway. The more he pries to know what’s wrong, the more worried I am not only to simply hurt him but I might say things I would just later ask for pardon or worst I’ll regret.

How can I tell him he’s narcissist? That there is no point of sharing an opinion if at the end he will only hear what he wants to hear, he will only decide what he wanted to decide. He wants validation that his ideas are always the best one but how could I say that if I know he’s not quite right all the time. I am not right all the time but he wants to be the mightiest… ALWAYS!!!

I don’t want to be mean but I am being pushed to be. I am being trained to be. I once told him that I don’t like who I am becoming in his company but he doesn’t seem to believe it. I’ve never felt so strangled so hard until now. I’ve never shed so many tears and let go so many sobs… and I don’t understand why I’ve lost my sunny self. God please reveal the reason of this journey. I am starting to really slip and give up.



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