I resigned from my job last month and I told my 34 year old single self that you have the whole month of March 2015 to figure out what path to take next. Is 34 the age for woman’s mid life crisis? Or I just didn’t get the memo on how to live a care free life?
I just recently started sending my CV out even if I know I didn’t figure out about how to truly live a meaningful life. I have been reading proper books from people who I think has so much wisdom. I have been watching a lot of TED Talks where I could pick up bright ideas. I think I am almost getting it but I am not breaking through into my AHA moment. I am walking in a semi dark room it’s alarming me. I know my bills are coming next month and I don’t want to max out my credit card while my car loan is still ongoing until 2016. I am not worried about money, I am alarmed for being blind in what is the proper track. How am I going to be useful in this lifetime?
I see my batch mates who are married with kids. I see them go on vacation and happy on the photos that they’ve posted in social media. I often wonder if are they really happy? Is that it? Are they contented? Am I supposed to follow that route? I have problem being close to new people, if it’s necessary I can be the friendliest person in the world, but given a choice, I just couldn’t trust people too easily. Maybe that is my problem, I wanted to pick the people who I wanted before I even consider them worthy of my time. My EGO is so huge, I am meant to be locked in a castle with no door and a short hair.
I want a meaningful life. I want to be truly of service. My very recent heartache probably detriment my eyesight that I am worthy for me and for others. That I should never let the people I love to be the source of my reason to move forward. That I should not wait to be rescued but be the hero that I needed. I’ve always wanted to study art, then I thought I wanted to write, I also want to be in business, and yet I am not quite so sure I knew my message anymore. Maybe it’s VARIETY because I was never satisfied with just one thing, I may focus on LOVE as a theme but I should be talking about everything like this blog, I do not limit myself with just mindless mumbling, it should have a little culture and talk about serious subjects, or talk about fantasy, or incredulous vulnerabilities.
Thank goodness I still know how to appreciate tiny projects that has been going on in my life. I am grateful that I have my sissy learning to drive on her own now that I am imprisoning myself at home. I am grateful that our laundry caught up just in time. I am grateful that I am cooking real food everyday. I am grateful that I sleep properly. I am grateful that I left the love of my life but I am not his so I’ve stopped the lunacy. I am grateful that I have applied to jobs that are promising of a happy career life. I am grateful that I should make the Greece vacation this year. I am grateful that I will figure out this life before March ends. Shit I only have until tomorrow!