He doesn’t know that I’m in love with him, well as far as I know because I never told him and I will never tell him. I will never tell him because I don’t even know why I love him. Is that what “complicated” looked like?
I thought God is teaching me a lesson here that I completely don’t get right now but it would only make sense after years. I cry of jealousy whenever I think about him with his wife, or probably with his mistress, or hitting a woman with curves in a bar. Women are attracted to him and he’s enjoying women. That’s not the kind of man I should pay my attention to and yet I like him like crazy. I sometimes judge him and then I try to defend him that he’s just not enlightened (and so am I).
I try to remember the past when I got my heart broken. I survived all those, but I was young then. I thought now that I am mature (I am starting to doubt that I’m isn’t one), I should logically move on and see the facts; but apparently I have a more stubborn brain and a really good memory to date. I couldn’t stop snooping on his personal photos and some files and I still long for him to call me and win me back to work for him (yep, I was the amazing Personal Assistant for 2 years and 3 months who guess every request before he even ask them, I got too involved).
How can I forget somebody who lingers in my mind before I slumber and the first person I think about the moment I wake up? There are so many things that remind me of him like I see his name somewhere, that country where he is from, those lips and smile, missing the silver fox, the jolly kiddy acts, holy cow I’m doing his mannerism, and the list goes on… there are just so many things. I know the best solution is be at peace praying for his happiness and simply direct my focus somewhere else; it’s just so hard!!!
I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and Mc Steamy was telling Jackson Avery that if you love someone tell that person out loud and leave it like that. I have been so tempted to tell him I love him and then what? Break his marriage? Become the second mistress? Or the second wife? Have a one night stand? Or be rejected all together because he doesn’t feel the same?
The moment he cheated on his wife, I felt like he cheated on me too, which is insane of me. Or part of me is thinking I am more jealous of the mistress than the wife because if she cheated on her once, it means he doesn’t love her. But I still stand on my ground that I am not taking the wife’s happy ending.
My mom taught me that if you don’t like to be with a certain man, stay far away from him. I keep following that advice and since I was too affected (or infected with a crazy love virus), I just drop my resignation even if I don’t have a new job waiting for me. Yet, I still have a longing heart that he’ll sweep me off my feet. We were supposed to meet this week because he said he wants me back and yet I have not heard from him and it’s a loud cymbal message that a meeting doesn’t mean anything at all. It’s over and to think I really don’t want to be in that meeting aside from the hard truth that I should not go back working for him and it will just end up as another memory that I will struggle to forget.
I am praying to God that he magically vanish from my memory but it seems like it isn’t what I am supposed to learn. The more I try to restrain the thoughts, the more I think about him. I know I should stop writing about him and yet I kind of waiting for a big closure?! Was I drugged? He’s definitely my addiction.
I’m doing my best to keep my distance. All the emails and messages that I intend to give a second meaning were deleted. I kept my second phone, the only number he knows, in silent, and I hope I don’t check it until Monday (just in case he tried to communicate, geez Luiz I’m hopeless!).
I really don’t know how to heal my broken heart, I just rely on Alexa Chung mom’s love nugget, “Nobody goes through life without having their heart broken and one day you’ll wake up and it will be okay.” My logical brain knows that he’s not the man for me, so I hope that day that I’ll be okay is tomorrow.