I never knew myself as a coward or fearful, I know I get scared but I do it anyway. Hustling and striving but never because I just gave up. In my surprise, a certain phone call this morning instantly froze me. Someone I want to keep my distant from is asking for my help for a day. I do wish him well but I don’t want to stay close anymore.
He is asking for my help and normally I like to be of service but this time I couldn’t think anything logical, my hands are sweaty and twisted, and my demeanour goes back to a little girl. Has this person traumatised me that I get that instant stressful feeling? Have I lost hope that he’s a good person and it is worth my time? Have I been bruised too bad that I shut down involuntarily.
I vowed to be happy and there is nothing more rewarding than to be helpful. During the phone conversation, or more like he is talking and I couldn’t speak a word, he said that I could just say it, he suggested several scenarios, but when it gets too overwhelming, I told him that I’ll call him back. I don’t want to be put in that spot and I don’t have anything to say or was I concern that I don’t want to say something hurtful because after all I shall never live with regret.
I made myself a milk tea and have eaten a cake to calm myself or have I just tricked myself to be in a happy mode and that I’d be forgiving and could agree to anything. Then I thought there is nothing wrong to help and I don’t want to live a life where I hide from anything, so I called back and set a meeting for tomorrow. I am still recuperating with my intense day yesterday. I don’t know why did I even agree but deep within me I felt responsible and thinks it’s the right thing to do. I’m not ecstatic to do it but I need to be better than that, I got to be happier and helpful, that’s what being a responsible adult be like.