I have a desire for a man who I know isn’t the best for me but the more I try to avoid it before, the more that I was drawn or attracted to be in that wrong head space. He had a glimpse that I was in love with him and that scared me because I know that I will not allow myself to have an illicit affair with him.
It was truly funny that I do know he’s not perfect but I have attached him with so many fantasies and personal connections that I have an illusion that he makes me happy. I was obsessing about being in a drama with him, that he adores me, that I could be his second wife, or I could be his second mistress. It was really delusional and pathetic that I often cry due to unwanted jealousy and wrong connotation that I needed to save him from his wrong life path and personal desires that 99% don’t include me. I was trying to be part of his life even if I wasn’t invited (talking about strong will but all in the wrong senses).
It is freeing that right now I am truly at peace that he is no longer my addiction. My focus is no longer on him because I am busy to new things that are more important for me and I am truly able to serve others. It helped that I seek God’s guidance because I really couldn’t handle it by myself.
There are times that a little voice try to get my attention that I reconnect, tell him I am sorry for the things that I have done that have hurt him and his wife, and then I snap back to reality that “enough” about establishing new string of false friendship. I know that my peace and joy right now will rub on them because I have no other desire but for them to feel the same.
I am truly happy that wrong affection can go away. I am grateful.