I have accepted that my parents passed away. I will not wallow about it. Although a few days back, it strikes me that since they are gone, I could never speak to them again and create memories together. Same goes to the people that I used to be acquainted and thought that we have built some kind of a special connection but now enjoys anonymity.
It is never pleasant nor a habit of mine to dig in past but it is a favourite topic of psychologist like the ultimate peace will only be achieved if nothing is blocking the way. I am curious why am I bringing this up, is it because my crazy thoughts is making its own drama again? Or there really is something bugging me?
It’s a territory I am not comfortable walking in and exploring. I do shun the past for a good reason, I don’t like sadness and returning to a place I couldn’t resolve and yet it didn’t stop me from buying the book of Jai Pausch’s Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss. Jai was the wife of the late Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, one of my favourite books. I was thinking what was the women’s perspective and her book was close to the book that I first authored.
Maybe the truth is the scared, lonely, and alone child in me is crying without tears and sounds. There are so many built up emotions wanting to come out but contained, restrained, and buried deep. And I still don’t think it is worth exploring it because I don’t know where to begin.