Yor Ryeter

Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

[1: 2,055 of 10,000] Doubt Creeps In

In Journal on March 9, 2021 at 7:31 PM

I stumble without my plan because it feels like living through life without proper check points before reaching my destination. I see the shadow side of plans and that’s stronghold control. I was surprised that there’s something more scarier to that though. When I start building this anxiety listening to my pouring doubts and fears that I’m too rigid of my plan then am not allowing my muse to glide through. For two nights, I fight back sleep, overthinking, going through the plan one more time and see how can I loosen it. I wanted to stay awake and figure out a solution, do I need to come up with a new one?

Oh I was also told that I’m too much in my head and I’m falling into my own trap again. Circling to my obsession and grip of a future that depends on the choices that I make in the present moment. I’ve been advised to see things in a different perspective because I have all the ingredients but I question am I supposed to cook something different, which I have no solid idea how can I make that happen. In my chaotic mind, there’s one thing I’m avoiding though, to sit in stillness to consult my Inner Knowing and ask, “What do I want?”

I process, I prayed, because the direction of my life will only need to come from my authentic voice. My mind is bleeding because it’s not connecting to my intuition, to what I feel, and then the firework sparks and it kept cracking. I got it.

I have to follow my bliss. It’s not about changing the plan, it’s about surrendering my grip and obsession of the journey and the outcome. Right now, I have to accept that I’m good wherever way it lands. A message nudging me that I’ll never make the wrong choice because I have one consistent vision, it’s the paths to get there that have different flavors. The vision wasn’t flawed, my attitude to not allowing play to interrupt that plan that’s raising an issue. I’ve always been all right so why would I be afraid to take a risk this time if I’ll be doing what my Soul came here in this lifetime to do. With that, I’m at peace and my train keeps moving forward.

Photo credit: Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

[1: 2,053 of 10,000] Pausing To Savor

In Journal on February 22, 2021 at 9:54 PM

I’ve noticed that lately I no longer rush and surrender to the demand of others to suit their time but instead I honor my own rhythm in the name of my sanity and joy. When I started my journey of loving myself unconditionally, the world cooperates to delight me.

When I seat down for a meal, there’s grace in me savoring the different ingredients that I could taste. I now nourish my body with intention and marvel to the fact that I have delicious food, I have the energy to feed myself and I’m grateful to all the beautiful Spirits that made it happened.

Learning to revere stillness invites me to be grateful to the simplicity of life’s magic. I have some pots with soil in our apartment and my sister suggested that I plant the tomato seeds in there. Everyday we water the soil and soon after tiny plant starts to emerge and they’re so cute. The growing vegetable are giving us a beautiful surprise every waking day.

I’m in my fourth year of writing at least one sentence a day of what I’m grateful for and it feels rewarding to be alive. I know there’s growing pain but there are more happiness if I am deliberate to focus on what makes me feel good. I do make plans in the future, setting up personal chats with people I really like, doing something for the first time for experience sake, and there’s more excitement waiting for the day that it’ll come. It’s very satisfying to pen in activities that makes me smile.

When I hear other people who are not gentle or kind on themselves, I can really sense it now, because I’ve been that. There are times that I still fall apart but I’m better at healing myself, naming what I’m really mad about and then I be quiet coyote to listen to my heart. My heart knows everything about me, what’s good for me, what my next move is, and when to simply relax and feel the moment.

I hurt a nerve in my back today after trying out a kick-boxing exercise from an Instagram video. My body that didn’t visit gym for months was shocked and completely snapped at me. It’s serious because there are certain positions in the middle of the day that I couldn’t breathe easily and yet it didn’t deter me to stay optimistic and I’m confident that my body is intelligent enough to heal itself. Body ailment is a good indicator that pause is exactly what’s needed. It made me reflect too about the things that I could easily do and have taken for granted when I’m incapable of freely moving without struggle. If I couldn’t breathe, I may just call it ‘a life’ and be cremated; but I know it’s not yet time and I’ll keep on insisting to this life that I will live my life, my perfect blend of story and maybe blog about it every once in while.

[1: 2,051 of 10,000] Self-love On Valentine’s

In Journal on February 14, 2021 at 11:12 PM

This year is the most special Valentine’s Day I could ever appreciate in my adult life because I know the value of self-love. I feel so whole and I recognize my self-worth that I don’t look for outside validation and acceptance. My cup is full that I am able to give without expecting.

My healthy self-love will reflect my quality relationships with people who will not deplete my energy but instead inspire me to gain more passion towards feeling alive. My healthy boundaries make me honest of what I am feeling and recline to self-care until I’m rejuvenated to join the world again.

I have nothing to prove to the world. I don’t have to conform to the relentless need of rushing and worrying. I have a responsibility though to check in with myself to what truly makes me joyful, what lightens my heart and what do I need to heal and a burden to let go. Each of us is in our own path of growth and we can’t expect to be at the same pace at all times and that’s absolutely fine. We have to honor what resonates with us.

There was a moment that I never stopped to pause and ask what fills me up. I thought I’m Superman that I can keep on giving the people that I adore with care and surprises only to realize it’s not sustainable. It brought me sadness that when I finally halt and asked what makes me happy and I couldn’t answer so I knew it’s time to focus the priority on me.

I will not wait for another human being to save me and love me, I am taking charge of my life and I’ll sweep me off my feet. I finally start chipping away the blockages that I created to not access unconditional love that has always been available, my truest essence, the human’s superpower.

[1: 2,040 of 10,000] Places As Mentor

In Journal on December 10, 2020 at 4:44 PM

It crossed my mind that places could be a mentor for a person. Like the city which made up of history, people, landscape, and so much more breathe life to a person who’s visiting, who just arrived to settle in, or who’s leaving it.

I recently watched the Netflix documentary Andre & His Olive Tree and he has three mentors: Taiwan, France, and then Singapore. When I reflect on my life, I have Philippines, United Arab Emirates, and I know in my soul that I’m being called to name the next country next year and move in 2022.

Philippines raised me, taught me to be resilient, showed me that brown eyes and black hair are beautiful people, it open my eyes to Christianity, life can be financially challenging when you’re not playing it right, and then in 2008 I left it. I still look back but I don’t have the urge of returning.

For 12 years, I consider United Arab Emirates as my home, a place that allowed me to grow up, experience an adult life that is adventurous even with some challenges I’ve been enjoying easy, it felt like living in a bubble of fantasy that everything looked good and am being cared for, and soon I’ll be saying good bye.

Where to next? I don’t know yet, but it got to be a place that I will no longer hide to what I truly love to do. A place that will allow me to have complete freedom. Probably a remote island with wifi? 😀

Photo credit: Austin Nicomedez on Unsplash

[1: 2,037 of 10,000] Real World

In Journal on December 6, 2020 at 11:56 PM

What is the real world? Is it part of the system, being a cooperative player, and going with the motion?

It takes deliberate choices to truly feel that I lived, otherwise it will just be all work, all play, meaningless surviving. I like to think that I am here to make a dent in the world, that my desires count, and the works of my hands are legitimately making life better.

For the first time yesterday, I started to let my old friends in that I am a lightwoker. I didn’t know how to explain it to them because it isn’t a world that they are used to. I was struggling to explain who am I now after all the rebirths that I’ve been because I was thinking to use words that are familiar to them. I love my friends and I don’t want to be disconnected, but I also know that as I grow, I will continue to look for a new community that will light up my soul in a whole new level because I will not be speaking in code but freely.

Photo credit: Han Lahandoe on Unsplash

[1: 2,033 of 10,000] Leo

In Journal on December 2, 2020 at 1:53 AM

My soul signed up to achieve Leo-ness in this lifetime.

When I was young, I was familiar with the Sun signs of my immediate family. I thought me as a Gemini was the best (when my ego is kicking and wanted to be separated from others), other signs were pretty good too like Aries, Pisces, Sagittarius, Cancer and Scorpio.

Then I start dipping into the world of astrology and tarot then Leo was showing up as one mighty strong cat. I’ve never known Leo, don’t think I personally know a Leo. Yet here I am, being called to start embodying its powerful qualities to advance my mission in this world.

The Sun, a leader, and confident. I can make that work, I’m not one to back out for a challenge especially if it means it’s fully feeling fulfillment.

[1: 2,030 of 10,000] My Blog Turns 10 Today

In Journal on November 29, 2020 at 7:49 PM

This blog is celebrating its 10th year anniversary today!

When I reflect my reason for starting this blog, it didn’t changed. It’s still a space where I write what I think about any subject that tickles my mind. It satisfies a need in me to express myself without walls or the need to be validated by anyone. I do have to admit that it’s quite flattering when real people clicked like and even leave a message.

I remained anonymous all through the years, there’s one friend who knew about this blog but respected my privacy and let me write without interruption. I do feel the freedom to truly speak the language of my heart in words.

I still surprise myself especially when rereading my past posts because I don’t remember every words and get blown away with the way my train of thoughts have been. I was writing the same things before and yet they mean differently with what I’ve come into being now.

Here’s to celebrating more strings of words in years to come!

[1: 2,027 of 10,000] Deleting Two Photos

In Journal on November 27, 2020 at 12:00 AM

I deleted two photos of a man I really like, but I don’t adore enough that I stopped talking to him. It’s been 9 months since I last exchange decent communication but the moment I deleted the last two photos from my smart phone that could prove I’ve ever talked to him I broke down and cry.

The last thread that I was holding, disappeared, made me feel losing him for another time. It surprised me that I’ve put him in a pedestal, and now it felt more final in my head space. I still remember his name. There are days that I remember the spark and then there are days it felt like I’ve moved on.

The following morning, I thought am I crying for the man I imagined him to be in my life, or was I grieving that I am craving for the love that I was giving him. He’s a reminder of my life’s romance and a creation of my perfect fantasy and for that I’m grateful. He’s a testament that at one point, I let my guard down and let someone in for a while.

It’s over. I have to be strong to accept that it’s done. I didn’t lose myself, I gained a lesson that I am capable to love. It’s time for a new story to tell.

[1: 2,024 of 10,000] Honoring My Words, Actions, And Truth

In Journal on November 25, 2020 at 12:12 AM

Word, action, and honesty are important to me. I strive to be impeccable with my words. I try my best to have integrity to do what I expect from myself without being monitored by others. To tell the truth and to do what’s true clear my conscience.

Whenever I fall short, I now know to pause and examine what’s truly bothering me. Whenever I am not happy within me, all three produced all anxieties within me. I have to remember that I’m starting to swim against the flow, willingly choosing to hurt myself with illusions. When I love myself, I will find joy anywhere, in any moment.

I’m not afraid to look at my scars because I know they are needing my understanding or just needed to be seen or be heard. When I show mercy, compassion, and care they will start to let the light in and they will strengthen my humanness to truly shine its true being.

[1: 2,022 of 10,000] College Closing

In Journal on November 22, 2020 at 5:44 AM

I was told today that the college where I earned my bachelor degree is closing. During my time, it was an exclusive for girls school that later evolved into a co-education accepting boys. I was wearing all white for a uniform that looked like a novice nun, and it was a place run my a lot of nuns.

It was a place where Sister Jenny, in-charged of admission, encouraged me to instead move to Marketing because I was sociable that lead me to be separated to my sister who shined on her own in Business Management, which was originally the major that we were supposed to take together. We were excelling in our own galaxies only to meet every once in a while with sparing same subjects or sharing the same professors.

It was when I enjoyed spending a lot of time in the library hugged by so many books with different varieties. It was when seeing a Literary Folio club and craved to be part of it and was finally became an insider in my junior year first as a writer and then moving to Associate Editor. It was where I first experienced becoming an Editor of the college yearbook and achieved the most triumphant story proving to the President of the college that I was leading differently from my predecessors because I was able to deliver a finished product where I poured my best. It was a place where I was taught of prayers and attend masses. I was taught to be humble and follow rules and it was never a problem. It was a place that I’ve witnessed talents in singing and dancing. It lead us to be aware of arts and we’ve excursion to watch plays in other universities. It was a place where my intellect was rewarded and it didn’t have to be a competition in the class because everyone can be in the Dean’s List if students put in the effort.

I don’t know why was it closing and I don’t particularly get sadden that it will close. Ending is a natural occurrence and at this point I do feel gratitude to an institution who contributed in nourishing my soul, in the moment when my parents were having a hard time in their relationship. My mother decided to go abroad to support our studies. I remembered being dependent on my mother, she works hard and was a true provider financially and emotionally. It was a place in my late teens and coming into early adulthood, my formative years that I get to start deciding what I wanted in the world, and who I would be in this life.

After graduation, I did feel insecure that I don’t know enough and am not yet ready in the real world, only to know now that I will never be always ready especially if I’m forging a new path for myself, something that’s never been travelled, something that’s unique for me. My college ingrained in me the best vision of all, truth in love, and there’s nothing more I could asked for.