In Journal on September 25, 2015 at 8:41 AM
I have a desire for a man who I know isn’t the best for me but the more I try to avoid it before, the more that I was drawn or attracted to be in that wrong head space. He had a glimpse that I was in love with him and that scared me because I know that I will not allow myself to have an illicit affair with him.
It was truly funny that I do know he’s not perfect but I have attached him with so many fantasies and personal connections that I have an illusion that he makes me happy. I was obsessing about being in a drama with him, that he adores me, that I could be his second wife, or I could be his second mistress. It was really delusional and pathetic that I often cry due to unwanted jealousy and wrong connotation that I needed to save him from his wrong life path and personal desires that 99% don’t include me. I was trying to be part of his life even if I wasn’t invited (talking about strong will but all in the wrong senses).
It is freeing that right now I am truly at peace that he is no longer my addiction. My focus is no longer on him because I am busy to new things that are more important for me and I am truly able to serve others. It helped that I seek God’s guidance because I really couldn’t handle it by myself.
There are times that a little voice try to get my attention that I reconnect, tell him I am sorry for the things that I have done that have hurt him and his wife, and then I snap back to reality that “enough” about establishing new string of false friendship. I know that my peace and joy right now will rub on them because I have no other desire but for them to feel the same.
I am truly happy that wrong affection can go away. I am grateful.
In Article, Review on April 4, 2015 at 5:26 PM
I’m doing sort of a marathon for the “Breaking Bad” TV show and I got to say I could understand why it got noticed on awards and raving admiration from the viewers; it’s gripping (suspense) and sad (drama)! I just hope people liked the fantasy (entertainment and simple play in the imagination) of actually doing a bad action but not the idea of having to relate or thinking of doing such crimes like cooking crystal meth, doing drugs, selling illegal substances, murdering people, lying, stealing, hiring prostitute, justifying that the money earned from wrong means will raise a decent family, and making use of the last thread of life or terminal cancer illness is a good enough reason to just leave the bad stuff behind – clean exit.
The show probably portrays reality to other people or in some way a reflection on how we all make mistakes and wrong decisions. It’s not about being judgmental but we have our own responsibilities to strive to do the right thing. Doing good and doing bad is equally the same effort, it is our thinking and belief that mess it all up. We are creative, intelligent, and beautiful individual and we just have to find our centre and persevere to break out from becoming or being bad. We are intrinsically good.
If you’ve watched the show, I’m still in Season 2, the main character who is a Chemistry Teacher genius was growing into becoming a bad person. It takes hard work; and if it is the real world and you are a genius, there is absolutely a way to do things the right way. He’s actually planning that his unborn child Holly will grow up from meth profit? Is it enough to justify that men died and he supplied the addiction of various people for the sake that Holly will grow up with decent money?
My mom cheated on my dad. She had a relationship with a married man as her vehicle to get out of the Philippines to earn decent money in United Arab Emirates so she may financially support my education and of my 2 younger siblings. At first I didn’t believe about the lover until I confirmed it. I was mad at her, because I know she is smarter than using her femininity in exchange of decent living. She was a businesswoman until the business went bankrupt. Her sacrifice of indecency gets me and my sister an education. I was like Holly. I vowed that I will never become a mistress and destroy a family, never use my being a woman to get me easy money, and I shall be responsible for my action to never cause harm to anyone. I can personally vouch that if we really want to not do bad things, we have the capacity to, it is not impossible, it is hard, but not impossible. Is it a heaven’s humour that I feel something, so I thought is love to a married man, he was my ex-boss, yes I resigned before I make the mistake of breaking bad.
In Article on March 21, 2015 at 2:32 AM
Are you like me that waits for a sign? The sarcasm at the title was intentional because it is quite stupid to wait for signs in life! It’s not that I’ve gone depressed and non-believer of magic; I definitely still am but you see I’m a procrastinator. I am the excruciating bad kind of procrastinator, still didn’t sign up for the procrastinator recovery meeting but I should start thinking of putting one or may be later, did you catch that, see what I mean!
I have so many ideas, I have so many dreams, I have so many confusions, and I often wonder when will I get every thing that I ever desire and lust for? The answer is…
- if I don’t change my patterns (getting our first business in order, contacting suppliers, doing the numbers, and formalising the papers),
- if I make excuses (I have no enough time, as soon as I finish this then I will start with the important stuffs),
- if I’d be lazy (I want to sleep some more and think about my heart break over and over),
- if I don’t speak up (let that toxic out and move on!),
- if I do not prioritise the important (getting a new job instead of enjoying being a bum for a month, on the verge of 2nd month), well I might as well get stuck with daydreaming.
I like funny feeling, the feel good making assumptions that lead to sometimes disastrous wasting a time. God loves me so much that I get provided just fine, a roof (gives me room to sleep and bath) and food (fills my tummy and let me gain weight). I rely on intuition but I should stop waiting for a freaking fucking sign to appear. Only I can make the signs by moving my ass and creating every day. Creating daily is what will allow me to clear my vision and see the beauty and magic of life now.
So how am I convincing myself that it is different this time? It’s 2ish in the morning, I am not yet sleepy so making a blog while the words are burning inside my heart is a perfect step to feel good that I have created something. Confessing in the blogosphere that I have a chronic problem on procrastination to get mocked and get out of that funk!
I should keep life simple. The sign of true happiness is finding peace inside me, not putting ill judgment on me and others, wishing love and blessings unto me and others, try something new everyday, sharing my creation, and HUSTLE!
Do I want that dream bad enough? I have always known the answer, lift the weight and HUSTLE!
In Journal on December 19, 2014 at 6:02 PM
There is something about him that made me swoon. I know he is not perfect but I was drawn to fall for him. I have an immaculate “self-control” because I never give in to admit that I am romantically in love or seduce him in any way. I know if I have ever tried, I can be a very ashamed mistress by now.
I saw him into a live-in relationship, then got married, and now the latest pain I have suffered is him having his very first mistress. It is actually the point where I draw the line, I thought I am saying adieu when he’ll have his first child, oh well it was when the mistress that has appeared out of nowhere that made me snapped. He spoke that he is a loyal person and it was the one thing I thought that was good about him, but the moment he cheated on his wife, I completely questioned his character and the person who I thought I knew for 2 years.
I couldn’t rationalise my affection towards him, he reminds me about myself, he reminds me of my parents, some quirks remind me of my sisters of whom I loved the most, and he has the same birthday like one of my best friends. It could be an illusion adoring him so this time around, I have learned my lesson, and I just need to forget about him.
Few days ago, he remarked that “I miss him” since I have not seen him for so many days; it wasn’t even a question, he was too cocky to ask. I’ve contemplated that statement for 2 days, do I miss him? And then in a chat, I told him, “you have been gone for so long I got used to not seeing you anymore.” I really don’t miss him, but my heart demands that I stay so far away and wish to never cross path with him again.
February 2015, Freedom Day!
In Journal on November 16, 2014 at 12:46 AM
You make me gasp for air
You stir my imagination like no other
You ripped my heart into tiny brittles
‘Coz I could never have you and must never want you
That’s right, I am addicted to loving someone but I finally found the strength to keep my distance by slowly cutting our connections that have gone so deep. How do I recover to such a devastating addiction? It distracts me. It softens me. It makes me sin.
After all the heartaches, I managed to find time to fit him in my mind. Feeling him to be mine. It’s crazy. I wanted it so much to end. So what I did is –
- I have to accept that I am thinking about him.
- I make the conscious effort to forgive myself for my relapse.
- I changed the tv channel from lovebirds to The Hobbit.
- I went to make myself a tea.
- I open my laptop and listened to TEDx about economy and creating opportunity.
- I read more business articles from Linkedin.
- I wrote down notes for my latest obsession, a business plan, paving way as an entrepreneur.
- I send out emails and research for my business.
- I am writing blog posts.
- I am forgetting why was I feeling pity-me-syndrome, guilty, and afraid to go to sleep only to find out I am carelessly thinking about him again.
- Go back to Steps 1 to 10.
In Article on January 13, 2014 at 4:58 PM
Experience can teach us valuable lesson especially if we pay attention to learn.
Glennon Doyle Melton amazed me when I watched her TED Talks. I love what she shared about an essence of a social grace, which is:
All we really want to do is to learn how to keep and make a real friend.
She realised that while she was in a mental institution where no one judges.
She also talks passionately about peace and dignity; but most of all she was being vulnerable and trusting sharing her struggles to surpass a lifeless addiction of being invisible.
She was right that we needed acceptance, to belong, and to understand that the sun shines for everyone who accepts it. The world is a beautiful place full of challenges not to harm us but to make us better and become heroes. It is a bit easier to face the challenges when we have the right support by our side aside from the inner strength that we need to pull at every moments when we drift.
We truly exist to share who we are to the world that way we help out and we free ourselves. We should not be scared and end up hiding alone because that gets lonely. Oh la la life is magnificent with all the people contributing to its beauty.
In Article on November 2, 2013 at 8:00 AM
I am still struggling because I still find my boss damn attractive. Allow me to dissect my addiction, I call it addiction because this feeling often hurt me and yet I let it linger into my head and my whole being.
Why am I falling in love with him?
- I am brainwashed. He asked me to call him Mr. Gorgeous and I occasionally calls him just that because he is.
- I am fascinated with leader, strong personality and someone that I cannot get (he has a fiancee).
- We teased one another, I don’t want to believe it’s flirting but it does fall to that.
- I can affect him. I can make him portray the saddest eyes. The only person who can make someone the saddest is the person who you love or maybe care in my case.
- He strives to make me smile being at the point of acting silly.
- He is physically strong. He’s like a real man.
- He tells me everything, even at the point that it is quite too much.
- He trusts me, most of the time anyway!! He also listens to me and he liked to please me. He tries his best to meet my expectations.
- Most of my waking time, it revolves around him.
- He calls me his better half, proposed that I marry him, and he thinks that he is the only man in my life.
- He insists to be part of my life, wanting to be my sisters and my Godfather, he wants me to call him Papa, and he wanted to adopt me at some point.
- He said he loves me and imitates my quirks.
Why I should not love him? Read the rest of this entry »
In Poem on June 6, 2013 at 11:04 AM
I am still in love with him
I cannot deny that part of me considering to share him
He jokingly proposed a marriage that I declined
Every time I try to hate him he won me over
I get so jealous with other tease around him
This is an addiction that has to stop
Stop the desire for a kiss and love
Simply halt now
In Journal on April 21, 2013 at 12:00 AM
They say addiction covers up a pain but in my case it is not really taking an alternative happiness but it is simply my obsession. I must be going kookoo and I need to check in because it halts me from my greatness.
I just need to talk about it and it is probably doesn’t make sense to anyone reading this but I am in a lot of stress because I cannot teach my brain to simply stop. I am hoping setting 2 goals could keep my brain from drifting to oblivion. I better be focusing to (1) finishing a book and (2) move to Australia. I better make it work without doubt and definitely minus all the excuses. Help me God.
In Aphorism on April 10, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I didn’t know addiction until I met you.