Yor Ryeter

Posts Tagged ‘Broken Heart’

[1: 1,986 of 10,000] It Takes A Broken Heart To Receive Love

In Article on April 6, 2020 at 6:47 AM

denise-johnson-siRbJlln-xA-unsplash

My last two experience of a broken heart always leads me to ask deeper questions about why am I really alive. Profound that it took me to let my heart break into pieces to find a sensible meaning out in the world to glue it stronger this time, again. The cracked heart learned to be forgiving, resilient to trust love and going through the painful process of looking myself and pointing out where am I being asked to grow and expand even more.

I’ve read and believed that being vulnerable is healthy and yet here I am building thick walls and hiding my deepest and truest feelings with flawed defences that I don’t want to be hurt by admitting that I’m falling in love only to choose to get hurt by leaving a connection without telling my truth. From this moment on, I promise that I will never deprive myself to speak my truth even if I will end up rejected because that way I know that I no longer have a burden to carry, an unspoken love.

Oh, LOVE! You filled me with joy and excitement, you pushed me to grow through pain, and you excite me to discover and satiate the mystery of life in awe. Oh, LOVE! I will never blame you for existing because you’re me and anyone who said that don’t know you will be lying. I want to stop lying to myself because I want to feel this very moment of your caress and with that I’m satisfied!

Photo by Denise Johnson on Unsplash

[1: 1,975 of 10,000] Huh! Childhood Hurt?

In Journal on February 5, 2020 at 11:58 PM

caroline-hernandez-agI0H_yMCVI-unsplash

My inner self knew that I am complete and I am loved but the fact that I have never let romance into my life, I am seriously unconsciously blocking it. I hired someone to coach me, well, anytime I needed to really learn and overcome something I sign up to work with the right person.

My parents never gave me up, nothing like that, but when my sister was born just eleven months after I was born, my grandmother (mom’s mom) happily volunteered to take care of me until she passed away and I started going to school so I moved back home.

Here’s the weird part, when I was asked to go back to my childhood memories, the moment when I started to feel unlove, I couldn’t remember it and I remember a business email I received even two or three years back. I can only rely on stories and then suddenly I started crying and my heart is breaking. It made sense that I got to be carefree and independent, believing that people leave because they die so there’s no point of investing on love and life, and the little me felt left out by my parents.

I am finally strong today to tell young Yor that I am here to love her unconditionally, she doesn’t need to be alone anymore, and we can make the best of life and not believing death is the answer to end a pain and get away from a broken heart. I am healing and for that I am grateful.

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

 

[1: 1,445 of 10,000] How Am I Healing My Broken Heart?

In Journal on April 22, 2015 at 11:20 PM

soft_love

He doesn’t know that I’m in love with him, well as far as I know because I never told him and I will never tell him. I will never tell him because I don’t even know why I love him. Is that what “complicated” looked like?

I thought God is teaching me a lesson here that I completely don’t get right now but it would only make sense after years. I cry of jealousy whenever I think about him with his wife, or probably with his mistress, or hitting a woman with curves in a bar. Women are attracted to him and he’s enjoying women. That’s not the kind of man I should pay my attention to and yet I like him like crazy. I sometimes judge him and then I try to defend him that he’s just not enlightened (and so am I).

I try to remember the past when I got my heart broken. I survived all those, but I was young then. I thought now that I am mature (I am starting to doubt that I’m isn’t one), I should logically move on and see the facts; but apparently I have a more stubborn brain and a really good memory to date. I couldn’t stop snooping on his personal photos and some files and I still long for him to call me and win me back to work for him (yep, I was the amazing Personal Assistant for 2 years and 3 months who guess every request before he even ask them, I got too involved).

How can I forget somebody who lingers in my mind before I slumber and the first person I think about the moment I wake up? There are so many things that remind me of him like I see his name somewhere, that country where he is from, those lips and smile, missing the silver fox, the jolly kiddy acts, holy cow I’m doing his mannerism, and the list goes on… there are just so many things. I know the best solution is be at peace praying for his happiness and simply direct my focus somewhere else; it’s just so hard!!!

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and Mc Steamy was telling Jackson Avery that if you love someone tell that person out loud and leave it like that. I have been so tempted to tell him I love him and then what? Break his marriage? Become the second mistress? Or the second wife? Have a one night stand? Or be rejected all together because he doesn’t feel the same?

The moment he cheated on his wife, I felt like he cheated on me too, which is insane of me. Or part of me is thinking I am more jealous of the mistress than the wife because if she cheated on her once, it means he doesn’t love her. But I still stand on my ground that I am not taking the wife’s happy ending.

My mom taught me that if you don’t like to be with a certain man, stay far away from him. I keep following that advice and since I was too affected (or infected with a crazy love virus), I just drop my resignation even if I don’t have a new job waiting for me. Yet, I still have a longing heart that he’ll sweep me off my feet. We were supposed to meet this week because he said he wants me back and yet I have not heard from him and it’s a loud cymbal message that a meeting doesn’t mean anything at all. It’s over and to think I really don’t want to be in that meeting aside from the hard truth that I should not go back working for him and it will just end up as another memory that I will struggle to forget.

I am praying to God that he magically vanish from my memory but it seems like it isn’t what I am supposed to learn. The more I try to restrain the thoughts, the more I think about him. I know I should stop writing about him and yet I kind of waiting for a big closure?! Was I drugged? He’s definitely my addiction.

I’m doing my best to keep my distance. All the emails and messages that I intend to give a second meaning were deleted. I kept my second phone, the only number he knows, in silent, and I hope I don’t check it until Monday (just in case he tried to communicate, geez Luiz I’m hopeless!).

I really don’t know how to heal my broken heart, I just rely on Alexa Chung mom’s love nugget, “Nobody goes through life without having their heart broken and one day you’ll wake up and it will be okay.” My logical brain knows that he’s not the man for me, so I hope that day that I’ll be okay is tomorrow.

Any advice?

[1: 1,402 of 10,000] How To Forget?

In Journal on February 28, 2015 at 11:20 PM

I have fallen in love to a wrong man but finally I don’t have to speak to him by obligation and yet I missed him despite the fact that I am just torturing myself. It is not easy to forget someone I have chosen to love but I have to be strong and be passionate about someone else – ME.

I am finding my real dreams and I am pursuing them obsessively for March, that’s starting tomorrow. I shall be quite chill, happy, and will sweat to be living my dream. I shall be doing things with diligence, gentleness, and professionalism. I shall speak my mind, I shall not hesitate… because I will never live with regrets.

I shall find to stay still and listen to my heart beat and I will not stop consulting teachers who are wise to guide my path. I shall honour the value of what is right and accept that people are different and make imperfect decisions every once in a while.

It’s okay to say good bye so I can say hello to a life with the tears for all the right reasons. So how do I forget him? Not to run but to accept. Not to be afraid but to be open that not all people are meant to hunt and hurt me. To look for other people who would inspire me. To be in a state of what makes me joyful like reading good books, listening to my favourite musics, and blogging.

keep-calm-when-you-re-feeling-blue1

[1: 1,335 of 10,000] He Wants A Baby

In Poem on August 9, 2014 at 11:51 PM

 

CupidCupid could you
pull out the love arrow
you aimed to my heart

I am going numb
terribly crazy for
loving a married man

He calls her baby
and now he wants a baby with her
a child for goodness gracious

I should stay far away
I should start running
because it is breaking my heart

How could I love him
in silent
and now in deep sadness

Pull out the arrow
to snap me out quick
from my madness

 

[1: 1,283 of 10,000] He’s Getting Married Today

In Journal on January 26, 2014 at 12:14 PM

for-the-groomHe is getting married today. I am not indifferent; I am sad. My heart is broken into million pieces and I cannot glue them back together. It’s all over the grainy sands and I wanted so much to run away from him.

I know we are never going to have a chance, maybe that is my problem, I rule him out off my list even if I can’t deny I am in love with him. I know it is insane to snatch him from his lovely bride after they’ve been so much and he admitted he can’t live without her. I kind of feel he deserves someone better (like me) but as I check why am I ruling him out as a hubby is because he isn’t perfect for me as well (and he doesn’t deserve me). He is the only man I find charming and magnetic that I can’t help myself being drawn into.

He will never know that I love him. I cannot because I wanted to save my dignity. I know he would rejoice with the idea that I find him HOT but it will not change that he can never give me what I needed… my better half.

Does this mean I should stop flirting at him?

[1: 1,205 of 10,000] He’s In Love

In Poem on November 10, 2013 at 12:40 AM

He’s in love.

I could feel the joy in his heart.

Could he hear my heart sobbing a bit?

I know he can’t because I am not supposed to cry.

He just converted into a Muslim to marry her.

A Muslim who will be able to have 4 wives.

But I don’t dream to be a second.

It’s over.

Congratulations to your upcoming wedding.

Winter Wedding Cake