Yor Ryeter

Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

[1: 1,905 of 10,000] Can I End It All?

In Journal on June 9, 2018 at 9:14 PM

Have you been following the news that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain took their lives? I love Kate Spade items… I’ve owned her products because they are not very expensive but really pretty. I knew Anthony from sissy when she watched some episodes of The Layover which I now started to watch and finished Season 2 and he had a very interesting take on things from food, culture, hotel, and things to do in a place.

Last week, I was really in a bad place, having my buttons pushed from work. I feel disrespected and called lazy in a very subtle way. Some of it is true and I simply snapped and cave into my fight mode and ran repulsive feelings of I don’t need this job, I would rather quit and start my own thing, who the hell he thinks he is, and I was so frustrated that I’d rather die and quit life altogether. I know everything that I am saying is just me giving up instead of finding solutions to make things work the best way. I hear the things that are hurting myself. I’m glad my sissy talked to me, cried my heart out, then sleep, and enjoyed the weekend of doing the things that I love – nothing (lazy huh?) actually watching movies that made me feel better and listening to positive messages.

It feels easy to stop the pain by thinking if I die then all these sufferings will end but I am learning that life with God isn’t supposed to be that way. It was my hurt ego that was convulsing to the fact that my credentials and capabilities are being questioned. This is my chance to grow and after all the soul searching I found my peace and ready to go to work tomorrow with a fresh perspective and NO NEGATIVE ATTITUDE. It is also starting to push me to refocus and live towards the life that I wanted – travel, write, run a business empire, enjoy adventures with family and friends, and do things to make this world a better place than I found it.

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[1: 1,681 of 10,000] I Am Alive And That Must Mean Something

In Journal on February 4, 2016 at 3:21 AM
Screen Shot 2016-02-04 at 3.13.06 AM

Being collected is a matter of making the decision of which face to display not necessarily for others but for myself and everyone. (Photo Source: http://www.sliptalk.com/girls-gone-ugly)

I am alive, breathing here on Earth, and that must mean something.

I am kinder to myself now, I know that I set goals to make my day worthwhile, but I am gentler and I listen to my body of what it can accomplish rather than always being at the edge. The edge that I mentioned is the dark place where I felt like losing control, being in the brink of crossing a sad space that my mind gives in to defeat all because what I have hoped others would react didn’t go as it would have given me comfort. The whole point of surrendering about other’s decisions that aren’t my control don’t necessarily reflect their personal opinion or judgment on me in the whole sense.

Others have gone by, they left because of death whether it was their freewill, it was their time, or is it really possible that people leave their bodily suit too soon? I like to believe that yes in essence we are a soul within a physical suit (physical body), that may experience different realm on earth and another lifetime on to the next. Everytime I expererience a disappointment, my stress reaction is to fly and rushed to the next level of living, wherein I am imagining that it is lighter, where there’s deeper understanding, and that there is no more need for pain of all kinds. When I collect my thoughts… When I am composed and able to control my scared ego, I find peace and see life as simple, exciting, joyful, full of wonderful hopes and challenges that is worth facing and overcome; and then after all of it, I come out better than I was yesterday.

All I have to do is to do not panic. It is not an easy task for me right now, but I could feel God’s presence and connection with my very soul, and He caresses the real ME to hold on, have courage, and be grateful for my life because I am meant to be here for amazing tasks to contribute. I have to work with the people around me with gentleness and love. I should not put judgment and always feel like I am being personally attacked. I must admit my mistake and learn from the experience.I seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance for intellect to have the right people and solutions to move further. I am right now requesting for divine intervention because in reality, I cannot do it alone. I need all the best help that I can get.

Thank you that I am building a new kind of strength in me every single day. Thank you that I try to find the beautiful instead of focusing on what is very wrong. Thank you for having the kind sanity that could make me move forward with a true loving smile. Thank you God. Thank you life. Thank you ME.

[1: 1,680 of 10,000] Change Is Inevitable

In Journal on February 2, 2016 at 1:20 AM

Healthy Woman

Change is inevitable but my attitude towards every circumstance will determine whether my changes will help me grow better, learn, or discover something worthwhile not just for me but to share with everyone.

I think I may have discovered that I am susceptible to a new food allergy? I gave blood for testing yesterday and I’ll find out the real reason soon. It is scary, sad, and inconvenient to find out that I may never be one of those people to confidently answer with “no allergies” whenever I dine outside. I may however see this as an opportunity to share new information.

My lifestyle is erratic! I don’t have a good sleeping pattern (no consistent bed time so my biological clock is screwed or confused), I don’t eat healthy food (meaning I still put processed food in the mix), I am stressed at work (believing I can do it alone), I overthink everything, I feel guilty of old actions; therefore I simply have to recalibrate my thinking, actions, and I’ll be eventually fine.

I am taking my BLESSINGS for granted, I forgot I am a human being with different components and different needs that need to be attended to. The body is so complex that when a part is starting to go busted then it’s a big wake up call. I am still closely watching that a certain ingredient in a ready-made pesto was the culprit for my triggered allergy; but which one, I guess my mind! My face is all itchy, swollen, and ugly but I still manage to smile to counteract the negative reactions.

I have been taking various medicines because different illnesses are nagging my body. I began with coughing and then now allergy with only symptons visible all over my face! Yay, this calls for a reboot. Before all the physical illnesses emerge, I was developing an allergy for life (emotional) as I was beginning to lose my worth that I can contribute to the world (I am still unhappy despite having an extremely challenging works before me), I couldn’t answer my purpose or reason to keep living, and most of all I don’t feel needed by anyone since I’m learning about independence or non-attachment. There is something in here that I need to figure out but I know in my heart and soul that I couldn’t just give up, I thought of it would be better to die, but I am not willing to take my own life and yet if I keep my pace on this track then there is no other way but to slowly kill myself.

The instant remedy that I am doing is feeding my soul with positive words. I am reading books that speak directly to my soul, comfort my heart, and letting me believe about magic. I am also forgiving myself and others who have wrong me; and still hope that nothing is personal. Finally, I hope to enroll to gym class this month to keep me in healthy physical shape.

Note to self: Don’t run away, have courage, and be kind not just to others but most especially to myself.

[1: 1,674 of 10,000] Kids Instinct Includes Running Away

In Journal on January 8, 2016 at 5:56 PM

Running Away

Two of our insticts when we feel threatened is either to fight or take flight. It’s interesting to see that even kids felt like running away (packing their little suitcase) from the comfort of home without the knowledge of what lies ahead than facing what they are most afraid of.

It feels a little weird but I am really feeling down lately. The job that I thought would inspire me is starting to lose its sparkle. I am changing and I want nothing more than to keep writing. If only I find a way to get really paid for simply writing, eating, discovering new experience, and being surrounded by the people of my choosing.

I am losing who I am. I wanted to get away from it all but it’s not practical and I don’t know where to start that would still keep me moving to a good direction. What is good? Feeling peace, joy, and enthusiasm every time I wake up. I am trying to stay very still and going deeper into myself to find the silver lining of where I am. I don’t recognise this depression but I know I don’t like it. I am trying to find the will to brethe with a purpose and a direction.

 

[1: 1,673 of 10,000] Our Pain Reveals A Lot About Our Path

In Journal on January 4, 2016 at 8:07 AM

Pain

Being in pain is a state that I don’t want to be, I deliberately try to avoid it, resolve issues to not feel it, or the worse that I can do is to try hiding and running away from it like it never happened. And yet, when I examine my pain, I learn a lot about myself, the people surrounding me, and the path that I am about to take.

My pain reveals a calling that I got to embark if I allow it to be. My life’s circumstance, feelings, and beliefs are different from everybody else; which makes my experience unique and revealing of a new path for all others to hopefully learn from. Whenever I dare, I don’t just do it for myself, but pain is scary, making me froze, and sometimes losing the will to live.

It is demanded that I have to stay strong, find solace in God’s arm, and move forward with glimpse of hope, the surge for enthusiasm, and the will to tell my story because my pain reveals a lot about my path of encouraging somebody else other than myself, to bring light where darkness seems to be there is, and the circle of experience gets completed.