[1: 1,902 of 10,000] Time Was My Kryptonite

My ego, the part of me that can constantly tell a story that I’m the best and worst – all for the sake to operate from fear instead of love, has obsession about time or age and it is dilapidating.

Some of my scared ego-talks:

• I want to be the youngest member of this club because I am special.
• I need to get that thing to elevate my status now.
• I am too old to become famously rich.
• I got white hairs… how do I expect to get a husband and raise children?
• 38 and still an employee? (even hearing this in a snotty remark)
• It will take time to learn and become an expert, how will I do school ‘again’ and still work to be a responsible adult and practical?
• Your peers have achieved so much in their career (company owner / VPs) while you are still a manager.
• You’re so slow.
• What is the point of doing great? Are you intending to leave a legacy, but wait who do you think you are who is worth leaving a legacy? You are going to die one day, so again, what is the point of all these hard works?

So how do I calm my fearful ego that is a part of me and that I lovingly call my intellect that needs a leader?

• I meditate and pray to calm my nerves. I don’t always get the answers when I meditate and pray, maybe I am not there yet, but the fact that I could become calm and not go to panic mode at all times that I even lose proper sleeps because I was paralyzed with the amount of goals I want to immediately achieve.
• I forgive myself that I have so much eagerness and not capable to move a mountain yet. And then I do what I can that leads to my ultimate goal. It doesn’t matter if it takes time to learn; so instead I lean on my incremental growth every day.
• Choose one battle at a time. Choose a team to help if it’s the additional ingredient of success. If I die before I achieve everything, I will be fine without regrets because I was able to accomplished some things.
• Treat my journey as mine and not to compare myself with others. My own growth is my business and the key is my life is rooted with good intentions.
• I enjoy the journey and celebrate the destination; and then I do it all over again with a new pursuit. If I wake up every morning, it means I have this moment to enjoy life, if a day turned out to be excruciating than I have hoped for, I could go to bed, release the past, and I will wake up the next morning again to have another clean slate.

What is your kryptonite and how do you overcome it?

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[1: 1,864 of 10,000] “I Don’t Know” Is An Answer

Today, I finally understood that not knowing the answer is enough to let matters go. I finally accepted it without resistance.

I finally see these statements more clearly –

• Let go of what you cannot control.
• It doesn’t have to have a reason.
• It is not my place to know if it is meant to be.
• I don’t need to be right.

I’ve always insisted that everything must have a form. Every thing, every one including me can be judged.

No wonder The Monk Hakuin with an encounter with a villager’s baby was at peace and says is that so. Paul Schubert was right to observe that the monk had responded appropriately, to respond to the moment of what’s best. The baby needed someone to care for it regardless of how the people tainted his reputation or the accusation is untrue. What a great way to live and it will eliminate all the dramas of my ego.

I am here and I will give my best. I cannot explain nor answer the rushing questions of why it happened, why it didn’t happen, and it is okay. I am alive and I will respond with effort and love.

I don’t know and it is so.

Photo credit: Monk with Bowl by Min Wae Aung

[1: 1,686 of 10,000] Who Helps Create A Story

The new ego that I got to know is the part in me that craves for attention, destructively repeat scenarios in my head just to keep me in a drama loop, it demands that it is always the center of attention whether as the leading lady or the weakest pity-me sad lady, and so I realised now that my ego has always been the source of story.

I was washing the dishes early on, The Holiday was playing on television, and I thought, “if your life as you believe it is full of drama, then it could actually be a good material for a movie, a story, a novel, well just to make sense of it and make it useful as an entertainment.”

It is no wonder I relate so much on different stories even if there’s a culture difference; at the end of it all, our ego speaks the same story line, we can relate about betrayal or triumph, and it is either fascinating or depressing depending on the inner peace that we try to draw out from every circumstance. I hope it will always be positive and we can overcome our fears.

[1: 1,670 of 10,000] I Am Changing

I am changing, for the better?, well I hope so.

I know that I am slowly changing that the thing I care about before doesn’t even come close to my priorities right now.

I could see the inflated ego of the people around me and this time around I don’t fight them but on the other hand, I still have that habit of thinking to run away. I could not run away forever whenever I feel like I am not in the right circle of people that builds me up, I need to go deeper and tap into my calmness so the people around me get influenced by my steady demeanor instead of instantly reacting into a fight mode.

I know that I am also a contributor of this negative circumstances because of my negative thoughts the previous days. I was reaping my fears and I should really do an internal clean up before it is too late that there are more to sort out.

I don’t really understand how am I going to live my life. I am still at the edge of adventure but it’s not comfortable, I feel lost, and I am scared. I have been living my life alone and now all I can confide with are my books, my journal, and my solitude prayers.

Is it time for therapy? Or just time to face my fears and do the work? It’s always been the latter.

[1: 1,667 of 10,000] There Is A Thirst In Me

I am thirsty. I long for a quench. I am searching for meaning on why am I here exactly. My ego is searching for acknowledgment and yet I couldn’t even pin point from whom do I really want the praise.

Everything seems so trivial right now. I don’t necessarily understand the culture where I am in. I receive mix messages and I am confused. The joy that I long is slowly slipping but I am hoping so hard that I could keep my head above of a rushing stream.

How long do I need to endure this black hole feeling? I feel an emptiness and a great sense of being so lost! Am I starting to get depressed? Am I in a brick of a breakdown knowing that I am overwhelmed with different emotions and responsibilities on my shoulders that are increasingly heavier on my puny understanding?

Am I witnessing my transition for my next path, my next journey?

[1: 1,581 of 10,000] Soldiers

In the belief of fighting injustice and protecting a freedom, soldiers are brave to risk their lives. I pray for the enlightenment of people especially those who couldn’t see that tyranny is an act of the ego.

It is true that we shall have a short life on earth, but I wonder why some of us choose to live it in fear, in agony, and without giving love a chance to speak and live. Why have we built our wall so high to not see that we all are brothers and sisters and we can collaborate and help one another?

Succeed but not on the expense of someone’s sufferings.

Thrive but not on the thought that you are not deserving of rest.

Live, truly live in the present because it is all we have.

We have to uncover our eyes about the false reality that we are separate from one another. We are one. Are we waiting for a world catastrophe to recognise that we are to build up one another instead of pinning each other down?

Mercy. Forgiveness.

We can end a war, confusion, and sufferings if we could gather the courage to apologise and ask for help and if we could accept and give mercy. Causing pain on someone doesn’t only give somebody bruises but we could cut our own self for participating.

May we seek pain that helps us breakthrough, a suffering that would shift our perception into goodness, and may we not wait for later but NOW to breathe with love.

May we all find our power to love.

[1: 1,561 of 10,000] The Joy In Being Cruel

It is sad that people are not fully awakened and are still drawn to be cruel and do bad things to protect a false identity. I am not free from fault and I also feel bad when my conscience starts checking why have I done that in the first place, what was I thinking? Oh there it is, I was thinking too much.

• I believe that there is always a better way instead of the easy false track.
• I believe that if I would be wiser and diligent, I will find the way.
• I believe that if I pause and stop my assumptions, I could see things as they are.
• If I don’t share my assumptions then we could see things as they are.
• If I let life just be while I keep doing my best then I could let things just go.

Regret is the worst thing to do than asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness is good but if a man could have just remained present then forgiveness was not even required. But, we are learning everyday, we are not always perfect, but we can always try to move forward.

I hope, I could only hope, that I will not again break a man’s trust, crumple a heart, and speak my truth to shame a man. I hope I’ll know the difference of truly helping a man in distress and not to be part of their ego tripping their pain bodies.

[1: 1,560 of 10,000] I Am Not Separate From You And Everyone

The ego that resides inside in each of us, the thinking mind and the constant chattering that will not stop unless we’ve managed to be still and recognise that it isn’t us, is the same mind that makes us believe that we are separate from one another.

You and I are connected. You and I in spirit have so much abundance of everything but most of all we’re made one in LOVE. In the physical realm we are often clouded with selfishness, greed, protection of what we believed is our terriroty, what is ours and ours alone, yet in truth nothing separates us but the mind who is not even us.

The mind collects memories and creates images that would make us feel okay or to be in control, but that’s not who we really are and it’s not what we’re supposed to be doing. We are meant to collaborate with one another to achieve peace. We are supposed to extend forgiveness when we go astray so we may begin again. We are supposed to serve one another with our best selves to feel fulfilled, enjoying, and to feel love multiplying.

Why do we want to be better than anyone? Why do we want others to be worthy than us? We are all enough. We are all able to serve one another with a smile on our face.

As shared by Marianne Williamson, “Loving people is the experience of God whether you believe in Him or not.”

May we live with love in everything we do, we think, and we believe. May we use our talents, energy, and resources to build one another.

[1: 1,454 of 10,000] Don’t Let It Bother You

I have a voice inside me that knows exactly what extreme means. It creates drama to extremity, putting both of us down or blowing both of us up! The day transforms with circumstances that are mostly beyond my control. My attitude towards it is what I can 100% control. The little voice inside me made a loud voice, begging me to react crazy. I told the voice, do you want us to go down this way?

Yes, it is going to be easy to be a victim or to be arrogant, either ways, we can play the part and make us both looked like a loser or an asshole. Do you really want us to go to that road? Or you be silent and we regroup our thoughts, keep our hearts whole, and do the right thing and be a decent person. Like a little child, it wants to reason more, it wants me to be fuming mad, and it knows that if I let it win, I will have all the mixed emotions and we get caved into a dark space, it feeds on self-pity or empty boastfulness; and I know that we are better than that.

Whenever I said, “ssshhhhh” with conviction and draw my focus on what’s right, it folds like a helpless baby. I am the bigger self and I know that the tiny voice in me is scared of the unknown, and I got to comfort it that we can do this. I thank it for the minor silly warning to make inside me alive with dreams party but we both know that’s not how we achieve great things that change the world, we need to have courage to take steps, or we end up just dreaming.

[1: 1,427 of 10,000] Therapist Wakes Up Pain Bodies?!

I was speaking to a therapist yesterday and she noticed that I was quite young when my parents passed away. I was 22 when Papa died of a heart attack and I was 31 when Mama died of a colorectal cancer. When my godparents visited me last February here in Dubai, they mentioned that it is a pity that I no longer have my parents. For a bit, this dialogue does crack my heart, but I usually recover fast to hold up any tear that threatens to drop.

I should not feel bad that I lost my parents because they gave me inspiring memories and they raised me to be capable of holding myself. Everybody will soon leave, and it was their time. The real challenge is what will I do to honour this gift of life that is given to me. I have to follow my heart and do what makes me happy and should be able to touch others’ lives too.

I am extremely grateful that I am starting to find my stillness and behold that the kingdom of God is in the midst of me and you. We are holy. We are just too stubborn to keep listening to the small voice in our head that usually cost us sufferings from either being too arrogant, to feel special, to seek for drama, or even compete of being miserable and dwell on self-pity. Our ego is trying to convince us that we are not good enough but if we are truly aware of how beautiful we are and that the miracle is just waiting for us to open up to let it flow, we are all going to be happy and helping one another to spread love and inspiration; and also living with empowered thoughts that translate to wonderful creations.

The truth is I want to become a counsellor, the therapist that I met gave me the bottom line facts on where I should start. I invested AED 600 for an hour session, but it was a good decision to understand this new world that I am not familiar at all. It’s a long expensive track but I shall be devoted to be there and contribute to the world and most especially to the innocent young people. There is a way and I got time. 🙂