In Journal on July 19, 2016 at 12:00 AM
Is it just me who feel the creeps in a room that is silent especially when I am stepping into it for the first time. It never grows old, I walk to a silent room and my stomach starts to churn freakily and my heart rate changes. It will take a few minutes before I stabilise.
Is that a budding fear that makes me feel scared of the unknown?
I don’t know but it will never stop me to keep entering new rooms for the rest of my life.
In Journal on July 13, 2016 at 12:00 AM
I am very afraid lately.
- Losing my job and feeling useless with no money, to be in debt, staying at home doing nothing
- Irresponsible and being late with my commitments
- Getting scolded and shamed
- Dishonoured and made feel very uncomfortable
- Not good enough
- Not progressing fast enough and get a breakthrough
- I cannot fully love myself hence cannot love others
I know that everyday I need to get up in the morning and do what I have to do even if it’s painful. I have to soldier on.
I wanted to feel alive and happy; but right now I could count the times that I am laughing my heart out and really truly feeling peaceful. Move on, slowly but surely.
In Article on June 12, 2016 at 6:06 AM
It clicked on me that I am not actually bored with my life, it isn’t possible considering there are so many ideas that I can realise some may not be easily even by myself but by working as a team, in short I was lazy. I was lazy to put my heart into action, to be dedicated, to move my ass, to believe that I am capable of greatness in my own right, but I was very committed to making excuses, to being scared, and to be stagnant.
OK maybe not super lazy but I was focusing and accomplishing all the wrong things that will not advance me to what will make me satisfied and be happily present. I was quite happy delaying what needs to be done, I am up for eating too much, or finding another things to keep me BUSY but not for the essential matters.
I do have the syndrome of freezing whenever there is something important to be done so I’ve promised myself beginning theis weekend that no more excuses, no more fooling around, no more procrastination, no more being confused, no more running away, no more lurking in social media just to fill the void I’ve assumed, instead HELLO incredible and fabulous life!
In Journal on June 3, 2016 at 12:02 PM
I have been very afraid, unsure of my capabilities, and neglected loving first myself. It was an exercise that I have to make sure I learn, to be more courageous, to trust myself, and love me like no other human has ever did (and really now most love for me should come from me).
Still admiring the beautiful Bali beach, before I finally pack, and head back home to Dubai. The water has its own life, it sings and dances, and it doesn’t care about the human but human get flexible for its strength, beauty, and fickle emotions.
May I be like the sea for its glorious vastness of beauty, it is true to itself without a care in the world, but we human as the assigned caretaker need to ensure that it is safe because just for its very existence, it can gives us an energy beyond words, it soothes our souls for its authenticity.
In Journal on June 1, 2016 at 1:22 AM
It is true, whenever we act or react, there are two significant choices, either towards LOVE or FEAR. I can never explain it simpler than on how Marianne Williamson shared in this quote:
“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.” ― Marianne Williamson
My personal mission beginning now on the 1st of June is to love myself so I can love others and everything that I do, perceive, intent, and all for the higher good. 🙂
In Article on February 11, 2016 at 2:07 AM
The new ego that I got to know is the part in me that craves for attention, destructively repeat scenarios in my head just to keep me in a drama loop, it demands that it is always the center of attention whether as the leading lady or the weakest pity-me sad lady, and so I realised now that my ego has always been the source of story.
I was washing the dishes early on, The Holiday was playing on television, and I thought, “if your life as you believe it is full of drama, then it could actually be a good material for a movie, a story, a novel, well just to make sense of it and make it useful as an entertainment.”
It is no wonder I relate so much on different stories even if there’s a culture difference; at the end of it all, our ego speaks the same story line, we can relate about betrayal or triumph, and it is either fascinating or depressing depending on the inner peace that we try to draw out from every circumstance. I hope it will always be positive and we can overcome our fears.
In Journal on December 12, 2015 at 7:55 AM
I am changing, for the better?, well I hope so.
I know that I am slowly changing that the thing I care about before doesn’t even come close to my priorities right now.
I could see the inflated ego of the people around me and this time around I don’t fight them but on the other hand, I still have that habit of thinking to run away. I could not run away forever whenever I feel like I am not in the right circle of people that builds me up, I need to go deeper and tap into my calmness so the people around me get influenced by my steady demeanor instead of instantly reacting into a fight mode.
I know that I am also a contributor of this negative circumstances because of my negative thoughts the previous days. I was reaping my fears and I should really do an internal clean up before it is too late that there are more to sort out.
I don’t really understand how am I going to live my life. I am still at the edge of adventure but it’s not comfortable, I feel lost, and I am scared. I have been living my life alone and now all I can confide with are my books, my journal, and my solitude prayers.
Is it time for therapy? Or just time to face my fears and do the work? It’s always been the latter.
In Article on November 23, 2015 at 5:58 AM
It does feel new that I could grasp the concept that every thing in this world is temporary. I don’t need to hold on because I knew in my gut that it has an end, even I will cease to exist to most likely without warning. With this realisation, I get to live more to what is present, I still worry as my intellect come up with new possibilities of bad scenarios that might happen in the future and tapping conveniently on my fears but still nevertheless I know in my inner self that it doesn’t matter.
The pain I havoc on to myself and to others are nothing but a pigment of my imagination and self-sabotage unless I find the common ground of giving my best at hand. Without the slightest hint of indecency and dishonesty, if I am giving the love I got right now, those are what counts. I get bugged down for expecting something better from others and those where the times that more so that I let go because I could not always control matters on to my own hands.
I couldn’t see the future but I hold on to the belief that I am okay right now and I am able to speak to someone bigger than any thing, any human, and any impossibility. It doesn’t feel like a lunacy that I could feel that I will never be alone and unloved, and it’s a comfort to keep moving, keep growing gradually, and never giving up on beauty, hope, dream, peace, and love.
In Article on October 18, 2015 at 4:11 AM
Hey fear, I recognise you even if you hide as cute as a unicorn.
We both know you’re real and I hear you.
We also both know you’re not always right and it’s okay.
I love how Elizabeth Gilbert speaks to her fear like another part of her and encouraging it to stand down when she needed to be somebody else. Yes fear saves us from imminent danger but it is not always required.
Like right now, I need to step up for work, so my dear unicorn, stand down, I got this. I’ll call you again when I need you and I will need you because you’re part of me and you stir something in me that I needed the most to leap off higher than where I am. So be still, I got this.
In Journal on August 12, 2015 at 7:14 PM
I have these irrational fears, some are very silly, and some are being defended by my scared self. I am sharing them, naming them, so that I would have more will to overcome them.
- I could recall that when I was a child, I was scared of storm. Our home is made of concrete and steel roof but with the heavy wind blowing, I was scared that it will destroy our home and we will all be soak in cold and homeless. I have to have faith with the engineers and construction workers that they did a great job.
- I worry that what if the bridge cracked while we’re in the middle driving and crossing? I was scared because I don’t know how to swim. I have to chill and learn how to swim.
- When there’s a steep road, I worry that the car won’t be able to climb up and we slide back. I then overcome this when I visited Jordan that a steep road is but normal.
- At the time at the hospital when I thought my mom is going to die that I prayed so hard and pleaded to God that not today. Everybody has a time to leave and that is why living is enjoying the journey.
- When I grew up, I was afraid to open messages and emails about something that is important to me. I was scared that my requests and questions are not answered positively or I’ll be attacked. I suck it up and just read the message whatever the result because I know life has so many possibilities and if I stick to my good story then there’s no way it won’t turn out great.
- I remembered the night that I couldn’t sleep when someone threatened me that he will have me arrested by a police. I was really nervous that I gathered my friends to pray for my safety. I learn that if I have to judge somebody, I would tell it on their face with love and gentleness. I will never shame anyone again even if I speak the truth.
- There are moments when I know that my youngest sissy drives alone, I worry that there’ll be an accident. I try to stop the thoughts and imagine that Archangel Michael provide a white light and wings that will keep her safe with her journey.
- It feels awful that my sisters are financially assisting me instead of I supporting them now that I’ve gone jobless for the sixth month. I am not giving up, the time off helped me so much to learn about peace, self-publish an eBook, and seeing the world with a deepening faith with God. I now know too that my sisters love me.
- The flesh temptation in my life suddenly reemerges and I am learning to stay strong and seek God’s help to fight it. I will try to focus on the good things and prepare myself before it kicks in again. I should stay away on circumstance which I know would only end badly.
- I am afraid of the unknown, how things will turn out, that I will be mocked by people for my shortcomings and at those moments that I catch myself depleting, I sit back and relax. I don’t let ego control my life. It’s a beautiful and easy life if I believed it to be. I am a pretty soul and loved and no judgment from others and even from myself will succeed to make me believe otherwise.
What are your fear? May we all learn to have courage and be victorious with God’s love, grace, and guidance.