[1: 1,670 of 10,000] I Am Changing

I am changing, for the better?, well I hope so.

I know that I am slowly changing that the thing I care about before doesn’t even come close to my priorities right now.

I could see the inflated ego of the people around me and this time around I don’t fight them but on the other hand, I still have that habit of thinking to run away. I could not run away forever whenever I feel like I am not in the right circle of people that builds me up, I need to go deeper and tap into my calmness so the people around me get influenced by my steady demeanor instead of instantly reacting into a fight mode.

I know that I am also a contributor of this negative circumstances because of my negative thoughts the previous days. I was reaping my fears and I should really do an internal clean up before it is too late that there are more to sort out.

I don’t really understand how am I going to live my life. I am still at the edge of adventure but it’s not comfortable, I feel lost, and I am scared. I have been living my life alone and now all I can confide with are my books, my journal, and my solitude prayers.

Is it time for therapy? Or just time to face my fears and do the work? It’s always been the latter.

[1: 1,504 of 10,000] Do I Need To Keep Memories?

Remember my triumps when I am down and remember my defeat when I’m arrogant. Yeah, memories are the easist way to refer when I face new life circumstance but if I were to live in the now is it still relevant? If I take every experience as a new taste of life, should I not judge it based on the past?

With too much sharing on social media and with the sleeky matter-of-fact-this-is-for-the-sake-of-making-a-memory do I really live in the moment or it’s another excuse that I dwell too much of what has been? Memories that give me bad vibes though are the one I burried so deep I don’t want to even touch them and in my happy world I start to create a new interpretation of joy out of them, a make believe.

I like uncertainty with the definite determination that I will wake up every single time to find out how I will play life. I have the habbit of going back in the past instead of moving forward, and I have to stop that, even if it’s hard. I am laughing at myself for keeping three journals all at the same time, and so I laugh that I could not even bring myself to read them back. It’s like a confession of a painful memory and then I cast it so far away. I am mumbling in this post right now, forgive me if this doesn’t make sense to you as my reader.

There are words in my heart that want to go out and I couldn’t decipher. It is full of wonders and it will either haunt me forever or continue to bring mystery in bringing me to write cryptic post like this. Senseless and yet it resembles what my heart wanted to say.

[1: 1,466 of 10,000] Another Journal Went To A Trash Bin

Every year I never fail to have a journal / planner. So far, I managed to throw all my previous planners, two days ago, I just ditched my 2014 Paulo Coelho. If you’re wondering, I tore the pages into pieces; I still couldn’t risk someone rereading my life story and mumbling.

I am starting to question if this practice is my way of growing up that I do not dwell on the past since reading the old entries only stirred sad emotions that shatter my present. My definition of being able to live in peace now is not reminding myself with words that I could go back to and relive the whole moments in my crazily vivid mind.

If one day I will be a famous person and they try to trace my life through my journals; I guess they will be greatly disappointed that that the oldest journal so far that I keep since May 30, 2010 sporadically is a single file saved in my personal laptop that is password protected (yes, easily hackable).

I am still alive, gracious that I still wake up every morning, and I better perform that the fruit of my labours should be enough testament of who was I when I was alive; and maybe they will know me by the people I have been in touched with. Or who cares about legacy as long as I know that in every single day that I live I will go to bed without regrets because I have done what I love, I have created something, and just hopefully touched at least one person to make his/her life magically better than it was.

[1: 784 of 10,000] I Am Reading Your Diary

During the ride home from work tonight, my sisters, a friend and I was sharing about reading someone else’s diary.

Our youngest sister read my other sister’s high school diary. Diary’s owner was a bit embarrassed but after awhile they were even talking about the entries. Really weird but funny. I saw the cute bonding that they have that I suggested that my youngest sissy to read mine too, she declined! I’m wondering why but it is probably because I write a lot and it is too much to read. 😀

I am the luckiest for having a mother who understood privacy. She never snooped our things and she actually scolded my youngest sissy for reading the diary. I swear I would never read my children’s Journal unless they let me or it’s a matter of crucial life and death situation.

Our friend said her sister read her diary and they fought. Our friend got an entry about her sister and it was chaos after the discovery. Her mother was a snooper too so whew I’m glad I don’t have her life.

Right now, this is my online diary and you’re reading it. 🙂 I don’t mind.

[1: 402 of 10,000] Blog Aphorism

Internet age changed how we write a journal; it becomes boundless, worldwide, brave, and it’s called blogging.