Yor Ryeter

Posts Tagged ‘Past’

[1: 1,807 of 10,000] Controlling The Past Thoughts

In Journal on November 18, 2016 at 11:27 PM

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It is terrible that I am letting my past comes rushing through my daily thoughts and even paralysing me. I am a fraud that I no longer live with integrity but my anxiety and laziness win. I am afraid and I need to pull out hope and be strong to live a beautiful and successful life.

I am drunk of claiming glory and it weakens me when I don’t know how to achieve it. My heart is in it but my compass doesn’t follow.

I thank God for the words that I am able to compose together, because through it, I see the glimpse of holiness and love. Thank you that I am not totally left alone in the dark without seeing the brightest stars. It is not over…

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[1: 1,746 of 10,000] What I Missed About The Dead Loved Ones?

In Journal on July 7, 2016 at 10:42 AM

Child
I have accepted that my parents passed away. I will not wallow about it. Although a few days back, it strikes me that since they are gone, I could never speak to them again and create memories together. Same goes to the people that I used to be acquainted and thought that we have built some kind of a special connection but now enjoys anonymity.

It is never pleasant nor a habit of mine to dig in past but it is a favourite topic of psychologist like the ultimate peace will only be achieved if nothing is blocking the way. I am curious why am I bringing this up, is it because my crazy thoughts is making its own drama again? Or there really is something bugging me?

It’s a territory I am not comfortable walking in and exploring. I do shun the past for a good reason, I don’t like sadness and returning to a place I couldn’t resolve and yet it didn’t stop me from buying the book of Jai Pausch’s Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss. Jai was the wife of the late Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, one of my favourite books. I was thinking what was the women’s perspective and her book was close to the book that I first authored.

Maybe the truth is the scared, lonely, and alone child in me is crying without tears and sounds. There are so many built up emotions wanting to come out but contained, restrained, and buried deep. And I still don’t think it is worth exploring it because I don’t know where to begin.

[1: 1,727 of 10,000] My Dead Father Had Spoken

In Journal on June 19, 2016 at 12:00 AM

This year, we are to celebrate the 14th death anniversary of my father. I admire him when he was alive. I also get a little scared of him and ensured that whatever project that we do together must be perfect especially from the expected execution from my side. There are moments that I despised him so much. In several instances, I pitied him for being uneducated, alone, and too much of a dreamer who can’t make it happen. And then there is the reality that I loved him.

Last year, my dead father spoke with me through a medium. He apologised that he was not strong enough to take care of us and a mystery on the table that I go to Hong Kong and discover my roots, to learn about his grandfather (referring to my great grandfather), and write about our family’s damnation and yet bringing me in to possibly shed light in directions I could not possibly know right now.

I am never a fan of looking back, I always wanted to move forward, but there is a piece of me, just a flicker of fire that wanted to pursue this. My mother revealed a secret to me that my father once raped a woman, I don’t know if there’s really truth in that story, I never confronted my father as he was dead when my mother shared it. During the session with the medium, he shared the picture of my proud great grandfather riding his horse, there were misbehaviours, slavery, and the rape came out again.

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Sex is pleasurable but whenever I see news about women that was brutally raped my heart protest for the injustice. How could they turn a love making into something disgusting by prying into the privacy of someone who is delicate! I know that I’ve always kept my distance from men, not even giving them the slightest indication that I wanted to be raped today to the extent that I am aware of my invisible space of not to be skin-closed to anyone I don’t like.

Is it true that my past is filled with terrors, a heavy stigma that I am possibly carrying that weighs me down? Is it just a pigment of my creative imagination to begin something for entertainment purposes? Is this too coincidental that I am being called to serve by combing an unpleasant past that I have not been privilege to witness? If I am to pursue, where will I begin? I suddenly just move to Hong Kong and faith would lead me?

I don’t know but if it was really my dead father speaking to me, I am indeed curious. How to act and move forward, I still don’t know.

[1: 1,675 of 10,000] I Reply With Silence

In Journal on January 9, 2016 at 7:11 PM

What do you want from me? What is your true intentions for asking me how am I? Are you asking me so I ask back on how are you doing?

I reply with silence because I feel lost and I don’t think I would be able to handle another soul looking for comfort. Leave me alone. I don’t trust you.

I don’t want to look back of the past where it was too dark and filled with drama. I’m letting go and yet it feels like you keep things alive with your constant need for connection.

Let’s move on in separate ways. I’m speaking with silence. Please get it.

Silence

[1: 1,635 of 10,000] Exploring Pity Me

In Journal on October 29, 2015 at 8:48 PM

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Have you seen the movie Jerry Maguire wherein the athlete go to a television show and they are fighting not to cry during the interview? Cuba Gooding Jr. at the end was interviewed and he cracked even if he used to mocked the previous athletes who shed tears and said if it is him he won’t cry at all. Of course, it was not the case, he released an honest emotions through man tears.

I thought I am tough and won’t crack into crying if I talk about my childhood but a recent encounter proved me wrong. I was very vulnerable like the person I am speaking with could shatter all my walls, piercing through my soul, and she made me revealed that I still have a little child in me that gets scared and an adult that gets overwhelmed with all the emotions that I could detect from people around me.

It breaks my heart whenever I feel like I am to be pitied although I always exuded lightness and toughness that everything is going to be okay and I am okay. I never liked being pitied, I would rather be loved, respected, and rewarded with wonderful compliments and things that would make life a lot more comfortable.

[1: 1,629 of 10,000] Soul Reading Extravaganza

In Journal on October 24, 2015 at 10:56 PM

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I met a woman who does soul reading. We have an appointment to connect for an hour. I was excited but when we started and she’s looking through my eyes directly, I got scared that she would see my deepest desires and secrets.

I was hoping to find out what my future holds and to find out if I have removed the blockage that seems to stop my launch.

She was spot on that I lack confidence. She saw my young self who wasn’t validated and given permission to express herself. I grew up to be sensitive as my father who could feel everybody and could turn out to be very overwhelmed. My father was there communicating through her and we’ve said our sorrys, me for not seeing him and he for not being strong as I have hoped him to be.

I was sobbing and I couldn’t believe there were so much emotions that I’ve hidden. On a regular day, I know that I am not contained by the past because I was at peace about it, but going back and remembering how I have to make it work makes me remember how painful it was. Sharing this experience right now doesn’t trigger tears and I wonder how could I’ve been so vulnerable last night with an audience.

She saw me having a son in the horizon. I am going to have a son with the qualities of my father. I am not ready right now to be in a commitment and have a family of my own, I am still indifferent.

[1: 1,510 of 10,000] Shall We Refer To Old Experience?

In Article on June 27, 2015 at 6:47 AM

Strands

I don’t know about your habit but I have an automatic tendency to refer to my old experience or an experience that I have read in the past. Mentorship exists because these are the people sharing what they have learned. I mentioned about people being unique (like different definition of love) and yet there are certain things that are universal (like love) to all people.

If I am similar to you in some ways and different in the others, shall I still consider the experience of others or even mine that has happened in the past? Also, if I were to live in the present and considering I am supposed to be growing to be better everyday, do I still need to refer on old wisdom (it is called wisdom for a reason huh)? I have the urge to ask others of their opinions too, what would you do?

I have been very peculiar on how I am writing my recent blog post that I use “I” because I wanted the reader to know this is my thoughts and experience, and I certainly want to know what is your perspective. I strongly believe that wisdom are there to guide us, books (even Bible) was created so we may have a sense of values to hold on to, and as much as asking others what they would do in a situation it is better to let individual to come up with a conclusion of their own, I am allowed to say my action plans but I should not insist except if the other wants to kill himself and that is not a solution at all.

My weaknesses are self-pity, confused with opposing ideas, inaction, devicing scheme to take the dead halt way, and arrogance that I know it all. It feels good to name my internal churns so that when I refer to my old experience, I could identify if they belong to any of those categories that it is time for me to seek other council or go back to my inner peace to listen to God.

Learning from others are good but it is crucial to be selective on what I take on to move forward. I have to pick the ones that speak to my personal calling. So yes, referencing to old experience is all right, but everytime I tend to do that, I have to consider that change for the good happens, and I have to always to live with greatness and gladness right now that past hurt is a wonderful reference, just a reference and no longer a reality.

[1: 1,508 of 10,000] 8 Years Later

In Journal on June 25, 2015 at 10:14 PM

Romance

I got fascinated with this very arrogant but smart man and he happened to sort of like me. The beginning was exciting and it ended badly. Eight years later, I chatted with him and I couldn’t feel any spark. It was as if I never once got crazy for his attention.

It is really a good news because now I am sure that whatever is bothering me right now will not mean anything at all after eight years. It is comforting that the wrong people will never have a space in my life if I stop dwelling on it.

I am extremely excited for what’s going on right now. It’s the next big thing and I give God all the credit and the glory for His truest grace and unconditional love. I am co-creating! Way too cool!! 🙂

Every once in a while I think about the relationship that needs to end badly, why does it need to end badly, but it does have a great explanation. I sincerely pray that everyone who is involved will be filled with love and peace and though we will never spoke of it with one another, that we do forgive one another.

[1: 1,494 of 10,000] The Person I Need To Let Go

In Journal on June 11, 2015 at 4:39 PM

I am a person with the greatest talent for detachment when I don’t want someone or something anymore but for the first time there is one person that nags me. I don’t like to create a story for something that is isn’t but could he possibly be my greatest demon? Did I nurture him and now I couldn’t let go despite the fact that he’s spitting on my face (not literally of course).

Was he a project that I should properly resolve? Or is it just me who is trying to connect so hard for a chain that was never there in the beginning. I couldn’t possibly meet all the people in the world then this one person should not matter, and yet this one person holds a place in me. I find that very weird, almost disturbing, because it’s a new experience.

This is probably one of my mysteries, which I am excited to figure out someday. Right now, I could no longer entertain any memories, thoughts, and hopes that my relationship with him is anything that what it already is, THE PAST.

Happily let go Yor, it’s okay, the lesson that you were supposed to acquire was done. There were too much hurting, both deceits and betrayals, it is not worth keeping it.

Let Go

[1: 1,486 of 10,000] I Froze

In Article on June 3, 2015 at 1:41 PM

I never knew myself as a coward or fearful, I know I get scared but I do it anyway. Hustling and striving but never because I just gave up. In my surprise, a certain phone call this morning instantly froze me. Someone I want to keep my distant from is asking for my help for a day. I do wish him well but I don’t want to stay close anymore.

He is asking for my help and normally I like to be of service but this time I couldn’t think anything logical, my hands are sweaty and twisted, and my demeanour goes back to a little girl. Has this person traumatised me that I get that instant stressful feeling? Have I lost hope that he’s a good person and it is worth my time? Have I been bruised too bad that I shut down involuntarily.

I vowed to be happy and there is nothing more rewarding than to be helpful. During the phone conversation, or more like he is talking and I couldn’t speak a word, he said that I could just say it, he suggested several scenarios, but when it gets too overwhelming, I told him that I’ll call him back. I don’t want to be put in that spot and I don’t have anything to say or was I concern that I don’t want to say something hurtful because after all I shall never live with regret.

I made myself a milk tea and have eaten a cake to calm myself or have I just tricked myself to be in a happy mode and that I’d be forgiving and could agree to anything. Then I thought there is nothing wrong to help and I don’t want to live a life where I hide from anything, so I called back and set a meeting for tomorrow. I am still recuperating with my intense day yesterday. I don’t know why did I even agree but deep within me I felt responsible and thinks it’s the right thing to do. I’m not ecstatic to do it but I need to be better than that, I got to be happier and helpful, that’s what being a responsible adult be like.

Icy