Yor Ryeter

Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

[1: 1,887 of 10,000] Silence

In Journal on July 4, 2017 at 10:47 AM

My sister, my only flat mate, just left to have a vacation in Europe. I am left alone in our one bedroom apartment in Dubai. I couldn’t stand the silence for a long time knowing that I am alone and resulted to opening the television, playing something from Netflix through my laptop, or playing a podcast out loud from my phone. But when my sister is around, I love the wee hours where there is complete quietness and I can hear my raging thoughts, making plans for the future, and listing my graces that I’m grateful for.

There is a puzzle in my head that I couldn’t solve, my heart is restless and there’s struggle in my dreams when I sleep. I feel that I am close to solving it though, the pieces are all over the place but maybe I am missing a key, and I want desperately to finish in order to see the picture. I am haunted for not finishing and yet I also see the beauty of having it unfinished; but is settling with the unfinished showed that I got a mindset of a blind investor who did not calculate the risks?

I am worried, probably because of the Venti Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks or my body demands that I hit the gym. There are split moment that I caught myself to cease the worrying because it is not useful, but instead have the courage to do the work and show up to the things that I am passionate about, work to be great at it, or pursue to make it happen.

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[1: 1,884 of 10,000] You Can’t Save Everybody

In Journal on June 6, 2017 at 10:14 PM

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Is it really preposterous to believe we can’t save everybody?

I believe everybody is unique hence every single one has different needs and yet don’t we really all want the same thing? Is there one ultimate destination that we wanted? Do we really want LOVE but we have various ways of rediscovering and reliving it? Is it important that we are one; or are we good as we are even with our flaws that could propel us to our greatness?

What is greatness? Is it finding the peace amidst the percepted chaos? Why do we get lost? Why do we succumb to evil or maltreatment? Why don’t we immediately feel conscientious as our compass to kindness?

Why do we doubt our essence that we are perfect, whole, and complete? Why did we forget that we are incredibly perfect, loved, and capable to love?

Does anybody really need saving? Maybe not saving, but we need reminders of who we truly are within so we can unlearn the things that clouded the real us. One a time, let us remind one another, and one at a time we do what’s loving (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Image Source: Save The Day

[1: 1,883 of 10,000] To Change A Habit Is Possible

In Journal on May 29, 2017 at 12:04 AM

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To change a habit is possible.

I have always preferred white sugar for my tea, because it is sweet and I don’t want to be part of the crowd who is too conscious about what they eat… it felt pretentious and involved a lot of work. I thought few white sugar couldn’t possibly turn me into a giant whale.  After few sessions at the gym with a watchful trainer, I decided that I can change and choose to be healthy.

At first, I will have to bear to eat foods that are healthy even if they don’t taste delectable to my palate, like using sweetener instead of a regular sugar. Eventually, I couldn’t really tell if it took more than a week and I could distinctly taste that the white sugar is “too sweet” and I couldn’t eat chocolates or cookies anymore knowing it is excessive with unhealthy sugar.

Habit like taste preference can be changed in my story, either for my betterment or to my detriment. The choice has always been mine, and it is only when I become open to try a new way that I will find out and ready to give my sincere effort. I can survive now without white sugar not because I am forced but I just accept that I could.

Photo source: Pinterest Site

[1: 1,882 of 10,000] My Eulogy

In Journal on May 27, 2017 at 3:59 PM

Life

She grouped the clothes hangers with the same color and type, she donated extra $5 twice to a fund raising to round off the collection, but she was never diagnosed with OCD because she never get herself tested.

It wasn’t OCD that lead to her passing because if you would expect her to keep a clean handwritten organizer then it would be the contrary because her calendar and to do list is all over the place, she admitted loving all the notes and mess because it is a sign of a life well lived and it is the same reason why she didn’t understand a clean rubber shoes.

Ideas flowed through her mind as air is easily available for men to breathe. She can fill pages of her random thoughts but mostly about philosophy especially what she knew for sure or almost believed so that is close to sure. That is another quality that we love about her, she speaks the truth and lived with integrity.

She lived her life without regrets. She thrived everyday. She had forgiven everyone especially herself. She touched our lives as she always said: “I care for you in the best way I knew how.” And it was indeed enough.

It will always be a joy to remember her, to have met her, and an example of a person who came and left this world better than she found it. Her endeavors with all new borns to be loved is remarkable. No baby is ever to be born with questioned dignity and perfection. She made us see that we are whole, complete, enough.

Photo source: Wall Paper Safari

[1: 1,881 of 10,000] Breathe

In Journal on May 26, 2017 at 6:44 PM

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I read from a book that a deep meditation can bring someone to a trance, looking like he had fallen asleep then waking up feeling better. I want to experience that.

I want to feel complete surrender of the present, battle the demon in my mind, and then I open my eyes with enough courage to face reality with ease. Then I go again.

I couldn’t seat still because I am anxious about the future and the long list of things to do. The future that holds dreams like a prisoner and as I approach it get released little by little. I have to come to accept that the future holds no power, I must recognize that I live my reality now, a piece of the puzzle of my dreams.

Breathing is the sign of life. If it’s the sign of life, it matters what we breathe in, as it also matters what we breathe out. Breathe in the things that I am capable to control. Breathe out the things that are out of my control. Breathe in blessings and breathe out forgiveness. Breathe in love and breathe out love.

Breathe in… breathe out.

[1: 1,880 of 10,000] Learning Heartache

In Journal on May 25, 2017 at 1:36 PM

I don’t know if I have properly love somebody but I could certainly agree that I have obsessed with various men hoping that they love me back. Do they call that unrequited love? Or am I so cray cray that they ran as far and fast that they could?

In my search for true love, I go back to the Bible’s definition of it, I still believe it is the most legit to consult for the purest meaning of anything in life, didn’t they even put HOLY to emphasize the divinity of it? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is my go to definition.

What I learned though, at the very moment that I am in love (or obsessed) with someone, my mind constantly associate him in almost anything that I come across. It could be another movie star, a thing, and yet everything that reminds me of him totally vanished its power the moment I am over him.

I always thought I will never see Chris Pratt or Michael Fassbender the same way again because their lips remind me of somebody I thought I love; but now that I see these two movie stars, I couldn’t even remember his face clearly as I used to. I just laugh now whenever I remember the days that I was crying over him and getting jealous without even having the right position to do so. It’s messed up and I am relieved that I am over it.

To those who suffer with lost love, it’ll pass. You will heal and I say that without bitterness.

[1: 1,879 of 10,000] Learning Failure

In Journal on May 20, 2017 at 11:00 PM

I am avoiding making mistakes; then I forego the notion of daring the unknown. I am afraid that outside my comfort zone is equivalent to I am a failure. Yet the itch of not growing shouts so loud from my core.

I am avoiding disagreement with anyone; then I settle to being silent and not seeing the change of getting the present situation to improve for the better. I am afraid that I will not be heard and that my ideas are but a failure.

Will I stay afraid? I don’t want to not use my freedom to be great. I will entertain failure as my teacher. I will embrace mistakes so I may blossom.

Tonight I will sleep and when I see the sun rises tomorrow when I become awake, it is my sign that I have another chance to live life with courage.

[1: 1,878 of 10,000] Changes This June

In Journal on April 29, 2017 at 3:28 AM

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June is going to be a very special time for me. I am turning 37 and I am moving to a new apartment.

I am dying to move to my own 4-bedroom house but the 25% cash upfront as down payment for a Million Dirham Dubai villa plus other fees are something I am not prepared. Am I really going to invest in real estate in Dubai?

I have been wary that I am so old but still an employee, still scare with where I am stirring my life, and that some younger people were more accomplished than myself. I am slowly coping that I must not compare myself to others because I have my own special journey.

I do worry if is this the right journey at all? Then I go back to…

  1. Am I being present?
  2. Am I enjoying my journey?
  3. Am I feeling fulfilled?
  4. Am I being helpful to others?
  5. Am I making someone feel special?
  6. Am I being challenged?
  7. Am I having dreams?
  8. Am I feeling afraid and courageous at the same time?
  9. Am I excited?
  10. Am I hopeful?

Yes.

🙂

Photo source: Clip Art Kid

[1: 1,874 of 10,000] Change Is Difficult But Worth It

In Journal on April 21, 2017 at 4:56 PM

Gym

Change is difficult but it is important to step outside my comfort zone to see progress. A life without progress was the feeling of death due to depression.

I am so grateful that I can afford it so I signed up for gym membership and a personal trainer and it is changing my life positively.

I never like exercise but my right working mind knows that my body needs it. It is futile for me to go to the gym without signing up for a guide otherwise I would just end up messy without doing the exercise correctly, I needed professional help. I also need somebody to boost my confidence that I am doing something right (regardless that he is paid to do so).

I have always thought that my body will always have a fat limit, always comfortable saying, ‘This is the fattest that I have ever been’; only to notice that every year I get heavier as I age. I kept eating unhealthy food, I LOVE RICE, and I wasn’t moving. I couldn’t fool myself that I have my limit because my weight kept increasing, my belly looked like a nine-month pregnant or carrying a beer belly like my dad did (yet I don’t even like beer), I now have food allergies, and worst depressed with life although I conceal it.

I have been going to the gym as much as possible three times a week. I usually go home sore in various body parts but I feel really happy. Every time I sweat profusely at the gym, it feels like shedding off my bad voodoos away. I am automatically also conscious about what I eat now and really paying attention to my trainer who knows best except counting the calories of all food intake, I still don’t want to learn that.

My tummy is now smaller than it used to be. My happiness level is genuine and moving uphill. My energy is not 100% strong but I have that inner glow to appreciate the beautiful, to be very hopeful that life is freakishly amazing, and the will power to make things happen. Was all these a result of the gym, maybe not, but it is one heck of a great starting point for a positive life. Go and exercise, not necessarily for weight loss, but think to live a ‘healthy life’.

Photo Source: Business Insider

[1: 1,873 of 10,000] My Wake Up Call Is A DEVIL Tarot Card

In Journal on April 1, 2017 at 4:22 PM

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I was down… drowning.

Emotionally that I have thought repeatedly of being dead is better but I know I will never attempt suicide and I didn’t have to because I live each day without peace and it is as good as dead. I am drained even at work for being unable to excel, tensed to achieve perfection at all times, and got undermined.

Physically because I am gaining weight slowly but surely, last year my food allergy got revealed from poultry, egg, and seafoods – imagine all seafoods, including maki’s nori. I miss my fried chicken and my Japanese food.

I am lonely.

I long for someone to hug me and I don’t get it anywhere. I know that I have to completely love me before I go looking for someone to do that or it’s an absolute disaster. I know God loves me but I couldn’t connect with Him because I am not making any positive change.

I like to peek the future. I like to look forward to a good news. I went to see a tarot card reader and she was blatant that everything looks well except for a ‘dark’ one blocking everything. She reminded me to be grateful but in my head I am but it just doesn’t feel light. I do sense a block. My world was shaken up when the ‘devil’ card appeared. Am I Dexter now with my own type of ‘dark passenger’?

As soon as I left the tarot card reader, I decided that I am not going to be defeated by a devil or my own silliness of thinking that I am better than everyone else or I am too bad than everyone else. I am going to make my life beautiful.

Right now, I smile, a good one.