Yor Ryeter

Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

[1: 2,062 of 10,000] Plum Wine and Japan

In Journal on August 19, 2021 at 9:59 PM
When all I can use my AWAY cabin luggage is to hang my bags, dreaming traveling from a Tivoli poster and drinking Plum Wine from Japan

I’m drinking a four-year old plum wine from Japan tonight. Japan was the last country I’ve visited in February 2020 before the worldwide pandemic started. One sip of this sweet wine and I’m transported back to memories of good food and a broken heart.

I was told my past life was a merchant who travels a lot and enjoyed a comfortable life. If I don’t play my card right, I’ll be replicating the same thing, which would be a shame for the sake of human experience and not taking advantage of varieties. I know myself that I’m not a fan of repetition but there’s just one thing though I also need to overcome my willpower weakness.

Despite being a true adventurous at heart, I have a strong pull for foundation, rhythm and security. It sounded like being responsible to have a comfortable home, being out of debt, have friends that I can call and yet I have to keep questioning all my beliefs and redefine what I truly desire.

It all boils down to being creative and fine a new way of being. Speak up what’s in my heart and be courageous to go after what’s keeping my driven, not because I’m proving something to someone but because I have my own desire to make a new path that I feel drawn and I want my light to shine upon.

For days I’ve been questioning why do I choose to be alive? What’s the plan now? I’m cozy and comfortable but I don’t feel like I’m contributing enough, and then I pulled back and quiet myself, it was never about doing so much or so little, it was always about experiencing everything in the moment. It’s not missing the awe-ness of the fleeting second that will never come back but a memory.

There’s beauty in cycle. There’s sacredness in being part of life, yes, even if it’s just breathing without expectations or destinations. Enough about being too rigid of always accomplishing only to detest that I’ve never stopped to rest, to appreciate where I am. I’m tired competing even to myself without pausing to see the vision of the big picture.

Yet after some rest, I’m ready to keep moving again. My muse finally arrived.

[1: 2,059 of 10,000] Is My White Hair A Sign?

In Journal on July 23, 2021 at 6:12 PM
Photo by Evie S. on Unsplash

I have a little rectangular mirror on my desk, while the sun beams bright, I could clearly examine my face and hair. I turned forty-one this year and I’ve reached the age when biologically there’s remarkable appearance of white hair. I rely on coloring it from time to time not because I want to hide my age but because it didn’t look good having white roots only in some areas.

Seeing my white hairs, I do admit that I’m turning older each year. I could remember my childhood, my teens, my career life in a flash and all the people who I saw as me at this time when I was younger. I’ve called them auntie and now I’m the auntie. Being older, I certainly gained more wisdom and I take less bullshit from people.

Something in my psyche changed when I finally realized that I’m not going to have my young stamina and features and at some point I have to ask am I running out of time of living? Do I still have dreams that I needed to fulfill before it’s too late?

Call it midlife epiphany, but for once in my life, I am taking a chance on myself. I got fired early this year that’s the best thing that can happen to me, either that or I was half-asked to moved into a new country if I want to keep working in a corporate environment. I knew my soul is dying if I don’t change where I’m headed. The truth, I wanted to quit before I got fired, I wanted to get fired only to have a higher payout and start all over. This time I’m counting on my self on to a new path I’ve never imagined. The unknown.

This year, I’ve changed so much, I moved to a better apartment, I’m building my own business that involved a whole lot of spirituality, and I’m growing more white hairs. Is my white hair a sign of being courageous to start creating something that is true to my voice before I continue living in desperation and waking up uninspired?

I don’t know what is the end goal but I know I will keep on living in the moment where there’s always peace and when I’m breathing in and out I can find in my heart that all is well. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I will have a say about it, how I react and what I create in the moment.

[1: 2,058 of 10,000] Feeling Anew

In Journal on May 18, 2021 at 11:50 AM
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

I feel like a butterfly that went through different forms, going through transformation. It’s both exciting and excruciating but absolutely rewarding. I still recognize the person in the past but every single moment that I’m living, I could feel my expansion, I’m move willingly to learn the essence of humanity and spirituality and then go forth to live it.

Every new connections that I make now dive in directly to what’s deep, what we’re longing in our heart, and finding the truth – individual truth without judgment nor hesitation to speak it loudly. I’ve lived long enough to finally get it that we’re all one and also standing unique in our own sovereign that’s eternally connected to Source.

Have you awaken yet? Have you start seeing the world more clearly? Do you recognize unconditional love? Do you see yours and other’s divinity? If you’re awake, you would know the feeling of easiness and going back to that ‘peace’ that has no expectations but just being. If you’re not yet awake, it’s okay, be gentle on yourself, and you can start with always looking for something that you appreciate to grow the ball of love within you.

[1: 2,057 of 10,000] New Book of Life

In Journal on April 9, 2021 at 10:52 AM
During my morning walk with my sister today, we saw the grasses with dews and she said the fairies worked their magic as she learned from the cartoon “The Fairly OddParents”. Photo credit: Jonas Weckschmied on Unsplash

I don’t always foresee when will a new blank book of my life needs to start because my human self have the fear of what if I’ll not be able to make it and the Universe let itself in and bring the right amount of shake up to lit my bun on fire. I’m moving!

In my previous books, I’ve let a lot of it unfold, unawake, I dip a bit of my toes but I’ve not fully immerse myself. I don’t regret it, I’m grateful instead that this time around I’m making new choices with my eyes wide awake, my body, soul and spirit are all in. I still don’t get everything right in alignment but I’m at a perfect spot that I’m contented and excited co-creating with the Universe.

I’m writing a new book of my life that involves starting my own business and likely to include moving to a new apartment. Fresh start that makes me smile, imagine new things, and surrender to little deliveries of magic into my way, after all I’m co-creating with full control of my emotions.

As I look back, I honor the steps I’ve made because I made the decisions based on what was true to me and my best at that time. I have full gratitude for the experience, for all that I’ve learned, the growth that I’ve gained only because I was there. My healing continues especially if I will keep on daring to fully live. With this new phase, there are tools that’ll be with be at all times –

  • I’ll never forget to have fun, to follow my joy, or what makes my heart fully smile
  • If I make mistake, I let my tears fall, I’ll be gentle on myself, be the first to forgive myself, and know that my pain is a lesson and opportunity for expansion
  • I’ll feel the sense of adventure, which means my definition of success may not always be the case that comes true, but I’ll keep saying yes to living in the moment, dust off and try again
  • I’ll keep showing up to heal people, to let people in to love me, and create arts that give me purpose to be alive

[1: 2,056 of 10,000] We Need Safe Knit

In Journal on March 14, 2021 at 8:53 PM

I always pretend that I am strong, it’s very rare that I will tell anyone that I’m hurting because I have not met a person who I believe is strong enough to carry the burden that I keep so close in my heart. To trick everyone especially myself, I always say that I am capable to handle it alone because how could I survived this long after all those traumas.

I may have survived my traumas but it came with consequences. For a long time, I have closed my heart and never let anyone to hear my truth, making me carry pains that could have been divided, healed, and transmuted. It took me a lifetime to recognize but it’s never too late to admit that I have to fully forgive my stubbornness, my fears, and my pride. I am strong but I needed help. There’s no one stronger than me to face my battle because they were meant to be mine to conquer but I don’t need to face them alone.

Life on Earth is limited and it’s crazy how I have fallen to close off my world and only stick to what’s familiar. How I run away to not repeat the same mistake of getting hurt yet still bruising my chance to trust because each person and each circumstance comes with unique gift and different outcome depending on my attitude coming in.

What it all boils down? We need to start forging new and lasting friendships. We need connection with others because living alone is pretty lonely. May I finally find new friends that I can show up without editing myself because I am seen and heard anytime. That’s why I like blogging because I pretend that you’re my friend and I never edit myself.

Photo credit: Katarzyna Grabowska on Unsplash

[1: 2,055 of 10,000] Doubt Creeps In

In Journal on March 9, 2021 at 7:31 PM

I stumble without my plan because it feels like living through life without proper check points before reaching my destination. I see the shadow side of plans and that’s stronghold control. I was surprised that there’s something more scarier to that though. When I start building this anxiety listening to my pouring doubts and fears that I’m too rigid of my plan then am not allowing my muse to glide through. For two nights, I fight back sleep, overthinking, going through the plan one more time and see how can I loosen it. I wanted to stay awake and figure out a solution, do I need to come up with a new one?

Oh I was also told that I’m too much in my head and I’m falling into my own trap again. Circling to my obsession and grip of a future that depends on the choices that I make in the present moment. I’ve been advised to see things in a different perspective because I have all the ingredients but I question am I supposed to cook something different, which I have no solid idea how can I make that happen. In my chaotic mind, there’s one thing I’m avoiding though, to sit in stillness to consult my Inner Knowing and ask, “What do I want?”

I process, I prayed, because the direction of my life will only need to come from my authentic voice. My mind is bleeding because it’s not connecting to my intuition, to what I feel, and then the firework sparks and it kept cracking. I got it.

I have to follow my bliss. It’s not about changing the plan, it’s about surrendering my grip and obsession of the journey and the outcome. Right now, I have to accept that I’m good wherever way it lands. A message nudging me that I’ll never make the wrong choice because I have one consistent vision, it’s the paths to get there that have different flavors. The vision wasn’t flawed, my attitude to not allowing play to interrupt that plan that’s raising an issue. I’ve always been all right so why would I be afraid to take a risk this time if I’ll be doing what my Soul came here in this lifetime to do. With that, I’m at peace and my train keeps moving forward.

Photo credit: Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

[1: 2,053 of 10,000] Pausing To Savor

In Journal on February 22, 2021 at 9:54 PM

I’ve noticed that lately I no longer rush and surrender to the demand of others to suit their time but instead I honor my own rhythm in the name of my sanity and joy. When I started my journey of loving myself unconditionally, the world cooperates to delight me.

When I seat down for a meal, there’s grace in me savoring the different ingredients that I could taste. I now nourish my body with intention and marvel to the fact that I have delicious food, I have the energy to feed myself and I’m grateful to all the beautiful Spirits that made it happened.

Learning to revere stillness invites me to be grateful to the simplicity of life’s magic. I have some pots with soil in our apartment and my sister suggested that I plant the tomato seeds in there. Everyday we water the soil and soon after tiny plant starts to emerge and they’re so cute. The growing vegetable are giving us a beautiful surprise every waking day.

I’m in my fourth year of writing at least one sentence a day of what I’m grateful for and it feels rewarding to be alive. I know there’s growing pain but there are more happiness if I am deliberate to focus on what makes me feel good. I do make plans in the future, setting up personal chats with people I really like, doing something for the first time for experience sake, and there’s more excitement waiting for the day that it’ll come. It’s very satisfying to pen in activities that makes me smile.

When I hear other people who are not gentle or kind on themselves, I can really sense it now, because I’ve been that. There are times that I still fall apart but I’m better at healing myself, naming what I’m really mad about and then I be quiet coyote to listen to my heart. My heart knows everything about me, what’s good for me, what my next move is, and when to simply relax and feel the moment.

I hurt a nerve in my back today after trying out a kick-boxing exercise from an Instagram video. My body that didn’t visit gym for months was shocked and completely snapped at me. It’s serious because there are certain positions in the middle of the day that I couldn’t breathe easily and yet it didn’t deter me to stay optimistic and I’m confident that my body is intelligent enough to heal itself. Body ailment is a good indicator that pause is exactly what’s needed. It made me reflect too about the things that I could easily do and have taken for granted when I’m incapable of freely moving without struggle. If I couldn’t breathe, I may just call it ‘a life’ and be cremated; but I know it’s not yet time and I’ll keep on insisting to this life that I will live my life, my perfect blend of story and maybe blog about it every once in while.

[1: 2,051 of 10,000] Self-love On Valentine’s

In Journal on February 14, 2021 at 11:12 PM

This year is the most special Valentine’s Day I could ever appreciate in my adult life because I know the value of self-love. I feel so whole and I recognize my self-worth that I don’t look for outside validation and acceptance. My cup is full that I am able to give without expecting.

My healthy self-love will reflect my quality relationships with people who will not deplete my energy but instead inspire me to gain more passion towards feeling alive. My healthy boundaries make me honest of what I am feeling and recline to self-care until I’m rejuvenated to join the world again.

I have nothing to prove to the world. I don’t have to conform to the relentless need of rushing and worrying. I have a responsibility though to check in with myself to what truly makes me joyful, what lightens my heart and what do I need to heal and a burden to let go. Each of us is in our own path of growth and we can’t expect to be at the same pace at all times and that’s absolutely fine. We have to honor what resonates with us.

There was a moment that I never stopped to pause and ask what fills me up. I thought I’m Superman that I can keep on giving the people that I adore with care and surprises only to realize it’s not sustainable. It brought me sadness that when I finally halt and asked what makes me happy and I couldn’t answer so I knew it’s time to focus the priority on me.

I will not wait for another human being to save me and love me, I am taking charge of my life and I’ll sweep me off my feet. I finally start chipping away the blockages that I created to not access unconditional love that has always been available, my truest essence, the human’s superpower.

[1: 2,040 of 10,000] Places As Mentor

In Journal on December 10, 2020 at 4:44 PM

It crossed my mind that places could be a mentor for a person. Like the city which made up of history, people, landscape, and so much more breathe life to a person who’s visiting, who just arrived to settle in, or who’s leaving it.

I recently watched the Netflix documentary Andre & His Olive Tree and he has three mentors: Taiwan, France, and then Singapore. When I reflect on my life, I have Philippines, United Arab Emirates, and I know in my soul that I’m being called to name the next country next year and move in 2022.

Philippines raised me, taught me to be resilient, showed me that brown eyes and black hair are beautiful people, it open my eyes to Christianity, life can be financially challenging when you’re not playing it right, and then in 2008 I left it. I still look back but I don’t have the urge of returning.

For 12 years, I consider United Arab Emirates as my home, a place that allowed me to grow up, experience an adult life that is adventurous even with some challenges I’ve been enjoying easy, it felt like living in a bubble of fantasy that everything looked good and am being cared for, and soon I’ll be saying good bye.

Where to next? I don’t know yet, but it got to be a place that I will no longer hide to what I truly love to do. A place that will allow me to have complete freedom. Probably a remote island with wifi? 😀

Photo credit: Austin Nicomedez on Unsplash

[1: 2,037 of 10,000] Real World

In Journal on December 6, 2020 at 11:56 PM

What is the real world? Is it part of the system, being a cooperative player, and going with the motion?

It takes deliberate choices to truly feel that I lived, otherwise it will just be all work, all play, meaningless surviving. I like to think that I am here to make a dent in the world, that my desires count, and the works of my hands are legitimately making life better.

For the first time yesterday, I started to let my old friends in that I am a lightwoker. I didn’t know how to explain it to them because it isn’t a world that they are used to. I was struggling to explain who am I now after all the rebirths that I’ve been because I was thinking to use words that are familiar to them. I love my friends and I don’t want to be disconnected, but I also know that as I grow, I will continue to look for a new community that will light up my soul in a whole new level because I will not be speaking in code but freely.

Photo credit: Han Lahandoe on Unsplash