In Journal on April 21, 2017 at 4:56 PM
Change is difficult but it is important to step outside my comfort zone to see progress. A life without progress was the feeling of death due to depression.
I am so grateful that I can afford it so I signed up for gym membership and a personal trainer and it is changing my life positively.
I never like exercise but my right working mind knows that my body needs it. It is futile for me to go to the gym without signing up for a guide otherwise I would just end up messy without doing the exercise correctly, I needed professional help. I also need somebody to boost my confidence that I am doing something right (regardless that he is paid to do so).
I have always thought that my body will always have a fat limit, always comfortable saying, ‘This is the fattest that I have ever been’; only to notice that every year I get heavier as I age. I kept eating unhealthy food, I LOVE RICE, and I wasn’t moving. I couldn’t fool myself that I have my limit because my weight kept increasing, my belly looked like a nine-month pregnant or carrying a beer belly like my dad did (yet I don’t even like beer), I now have food allergies, and worst depressed with life although I conceal it.
I have been going to the gym as much as possible three times a week. I usually go home sore in various body parts but I feel really happy. Every time I sweat profusely at the gym, it feels like shedding off my bad voodoos away. I am automatically also conscious about what I eat now and really paying attention to my trainer who knows best except counting the calories of all food intake, I still don’t want to learn that.
My tummy is now smaller than it used to be. My happiness level is genuine and moving uphill. My energy is not 100% strong but I have that inner glow to appreciate the beautiful, to be very hopeful that life is freakishly amazing, and the will power to make things happen. Was all these a result of the gym, maybe not, but it is one heck of a great starting point for a positive life. Go and exercise, not necessarily for weight loss, but think to live a ‘healthy life’.
Photo Source: Business Insider
In Journal on April 1, 2017 at 4:22 PM
I was down… drowning.
Emotionally that I have thought repeatedly of being dead is better but I know I will never attempt suicide and I didn’t have to because I live each day without peace and it is as good as dead. I am drained even at work for being unable to excel, tensed to achieve perfection at all times, and got undermined.
Physically because I am gaining weight slowly but surely, last year my food allergy got revealed from poultry, egg, and seafoods – imagine all seafoods, including maki’s nori. I miss my fried chicken and my Japanese food.
I am lonely.
I long for someone to hug me and I don’t get it anywhere. I know that I have to completely love me before I go looking for someone to do that or it’s an absolute disaster. I know God loves me but I couldn’t connect with Him because I am not making any positive change.
I like to peek the future. I like to look forward to a good news. I went to see a tarot card reader and she was blatant that everything looks well except for a ‘dark’ one blocking everything. She reminded me to be grateful but in my head I am but it just doesn’t feel light. I do sense a block. My world was shaken up when the ‘devil’ card appeared. Am I Dexter now with my own type of ‘dark passenger’?
As soon as I left the tarot card reader, I decided that I am not going to be defeated by a devil or my own silliness of thinking that I am better than everyone else or I am too bad than everyone else. I am going to make my life beautiful.
Right now, I smile, a good one.
In Journal on March 11, 2017 at 10:36 AM
I shouldn’t fool myself, there is no such thing as WASTED LOVE. If it is true love, it grows root and it multiplies.
It isn’t love when I expect something in return. It is love when I give without hesitation but comes from a pure heart. What is a pure heart? I believe that I am made of love, and everything that I do that is genuine must be a continuity of love. I do not to have harmful intentions towards myself or others.
I do acknowledge that I needed help to keep the love flowing by connecting with the source, and that source is God.
In Journal on January 22, 2017 at 10:40 PM
I could feel the drive of a parent, to be a determined and responsible for a new human life. A parent even has a creed to give more than he ever enjoyed in his life for the sake of his child. A parent becomes selfless and turned into a superhero.
It crossed my mind what kind of child will I conceive in this world? Will it look like me having half of my DNA? But I got to remind myself that I don’t own the child, it has a faith of its own. Will I be used as a contributor? Will I have Abraham’s legacy to have as many offsprings as the countless stars?
I wanted to create a business empire where there is honesty, enjoyment, and growth. I want to serve with kindness, inspiration, and love. I wanted to find my tribe so we can do it together. Oh how I long for this, my baby.
Photo source: Mt. Hope Family Center
In Journal on January 18, 2017 at 10:03 AM
My latest lesson is about love.
I started from listening to Mandy Len Catron’s TED talk about “A better way to talk about love.” People are used to the notion that falling in love is getting mad and crazy; so she shared a better metaphor, which is “Love is a collaborative work of art.” This then allows men to decide what love would looks like.
The movie Inferno (2016) shared interesting lines about love: “Love awakens the soul to act,” spoken by Bertrand Zobrist. This line puzzled me as I seem to have a sleeping soul, pausing and not in action. Do I know what really love is?
So I always go back to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, that makes a great sense as my guide:
does not envy
does not boast
is not proud
does not dishonor others
is not self-seeking
is not easily angered
keeps no record of wrong
does not delight in evil
rejoices with the truth
How about you, what is your definition of love?
In Article, Journal on January 17, 2017 at 12:09 AM
Today, I finally understood that not knowing the answer is enough to let matters go. I finally accepted it without resistance.
I finally see these statements more clearly –
- Let go of what you cannot control.
- It doesn’t have to have a reason.
- It is not my place to know if it is meant to be.
- I don’t need to be right.
I’ve always insisted that everything must have a form. Every thing, every one including me can be judged.
No wonder The Monk Hakuin with an encounter with a villager’s baby was at peace and says is that so. Paul Schubert was right to observe that the monk had responded appropriately, to respond to the moment of what’s best. The baby needed someone to care for it regardless of how the people tainted his reputation or the accusation is untrue. What a great way to live and it will eliminate all the dramas of my ego.
I am here and I will give my best. I cannot explain nor answer the rushing questions of why it happened, why it didn’t happen, and it is okay. I am alive and I will respond with effort and love.
I don’t know and it is so.
Photo credit: Monk with Bowl by Min Wae Aung
In Journal on January 15, 2017 at 9:45 PM
There was a time in my life that I live in an apartment with mice. The place was so small that one night, one crawled on me, and I never had a peaceful night ever again. At that time, I was working in a company that is in a brink of bankruptcy and it couldn’t pay me my salary.
Few years back, I quit my job with credit card debt, a bank loan to pay, and I have to be dependent on my sisters for about 7 months. I tried to sell my valuables and approached people I know who I don’t normally ask for personal loan. No one ever lend me any money but I was able to count on my sisters, and no one else. At that point, I promised to myself that I will never be in that position again, begging for money.
My parents were great. They were hard working and provided for my sisters and I until the business didn’t work out anymore. I never have to work and study, I just have to study and they work. As the business crashed, so is their relationship as a couple, and I even wondered if will I grow up to be like my mother? Strong, resourceful, but believed that to save her daughters she committed adultery. Without my mother’s effort, I wouldn’t be in Dubai right now with a comfortable life.
It is good to remember that life was never easy and I will never go back in time to change it. Why would I bother to go back if I have this very moment to make the best choice? How can I not be grateful when I now sleep on my own bed when I used to sleep on the floor with a mattress? How can I not be grateful if I am paid with an on time salary?
I can only be grateful and to pray too that I remain focused and courageous to be loving and creative.
In Journal on January 15, 2017 at 8:48 PM
I used to think why do I practice for a school performance? I do it over and over again until the day of the presentation and then it’s done and I move on to the next project. Why all those efforts for the sake of perfection? Isn’t perfection really not the goal in life?
I’ve observed that other people’s pain and vulnerabilities when shared to the public is able to help especially when they’ve overcome their challenges. They even get very famous and very wealthy for being courageous and succeed multiple adversities. Effort to keep going forward is one of the keys.
I try to reflect. I did have my journey, a struggle, then I surpassed, and I felt proud and contented. I am not in my current struggle of being lost and I have to find my way to be the hero of my own story not at the expense of somebody else to blame, among other things of fighting unfairly. I need to find my voice but I have to be ready to build an inspiring story to tell. I am to honor the creativity as my gift.
I have to put a stop of my self-doubt and lack of confidence. I am only hurting myself. Make a plan and proceed to keep winning with great ideas and spreading love. I am not alone with this, I will never be. I can do this.
In Journal on January 13, 2017 at 10:41 PM
Something is very wrong with my laptop. There seemed to be a spyware or a virus maybe that is trying to hack it. The wordpress does not display properly and I am not sure how long will I be able to keep up blogging using my phone.
I have to be creative for the next few days as blogging on a smart phone is not really comfortable and I love tapping on my keyboards. It feels like sending a long text to a lover. It almost feels like criminal. The dictionary suggestions of three possible next words is refreshingly helpful to make it work for now. I am afraid to let anyone look at my laptop, it contains my very private thoughts.
I’ll try to sort it out tomorrow. What’s the worst thing that could happened? Throw it in the air due to frustration?
In Journal on January 9, 2017 at 11:52 PM
I am not overly dramatic but miracles happened every time visible on circumstance that couldn’t be explained. It might not even be obvious in the beginning but how could the mere human understanding could known.
Vegetables are not naturally the type of food products that I will immediately chose but sudden eruption of food allergies forced me to. I have shopped for my current favorite root products and it gave me peace of mind and joy when I was looking at it tonight and cooked myself a simple dish. Simple but made me thankful or my body was shouting with so much joy for feeding it with the right stuffs.
Being present and observant get me grateful, now that’s something.