Yor Ryeter

Archive for the ‘Journal’ Category

[1: 1,880 of 10,000] Learning Heartache

In Journal on May 25, 2017 at 1:36 PM

I don’t know if I have properly love somebody but I could certainly agree that I have obsessed with various men hoping that they love me back. Do they call that unrequited love? Or am I so cray cray that they ran as far and fast that they could?

In my search for true love, I go back to the Bible’s definition of it, I still believe it is the most legit to consult for the purest meaning of anything in life, didn’t they even put HOLY to emphasize the divinity of it? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is my go to definition.

What I learned though, at the very moment that I am in love (or obsessed) with someone, my mind constantly associate him in almost anything that I come across. It could be another movie star, a thing, and yet everything that reminds me of him totally vanished its power the moment I am over him.

I always thought I will never see Chris Pratt or Michael Fassbender the same way again because their lips remind me of somebody I thought I love; but now that I see these two movie stars, I couldn’t even remember his face clearly as I used to. I just laugh now whenever I remember the days that I was crying over him and getting jealous without even having the right position to do so. It’s messed up and I am relieved that I am over it.

To those who suffer with lost love, it’ll pass. You will heal and I say that without bitterness.

[1: 1,879 of 10,000] Learning Failure

In Journal on May 20, 2017 at 11:00 PM

I am avoiding making mistakes; then I forego the notion of daring the unknown. I am afraid that outside my comfort zone is equivalent to I am a failure. Yet the itch of not growing shouts so loud from my core.

I am avoiding disagreement with anyone; then I settle to being silent and not seeing the change of getting the present situation to improve for the better. I am afraid that I will not be heard and that my ideas are but a failure.

Will I stay afraid? I don’t want to not use my freedom to be great. I will entertain failure as my teacher. I will embrace mistakes so I may blossom.

Tonight I will sleep and when I see the sun rises tomorrow when I become awake, it is my sign that I have another chance to live life with courage.

[1: 1,878 of 10,000] Changes This June

In Journal on April 29, 2017 at 3:28 AM

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June is going to be a very special time for me. I am turning 37 and I am moving to a new apartment.

I am dying to move to my own 4-bedroom house but the 25% cash upfront as down payment for a Million Dirham Dubai villa plus other fees are something I am not prepared. Am I really going to invest in real estate in Dubai?

I have been wary that I am so old but still an employee, still scare with where I am stirring my life, and that some younger people were more accomplished than myself. I am slowly coping that I must not compare myself to others because I have my own special journey.

I do worry if is this the right journey at all? Then I go back to…

  1. Am I being present?
  2. Am I enjoying my journey?
  3. Am I feeling fulfilled?
  4. Am I being helpful to others?
  5. Am I making someone feel special?
  6. Am I being challenged?
  7. Am I having dreams?
  8. Am I feeling afraid and courageous at the same time?
  9. Am I excited?
  10. Am I hopeful?

Yes.

🙂

Photo source: Clip Art Kid

[1: 1,874 of 10,000] Change Is Difficult But Worth It

In Journal on April 21, 2017 at 4:56 PM

Gym

Change is difficult but it is important to step outside my comfort zone to see progress. A life without progress was the feeling of death due to depression.

I am so grateful that I can afford it so I signed up for gym membership and a personal trainer and it is changing my life positively.

I never like exercise but my right working mind knows that my body needs it. It is futile for me to go to the gym without signing up for a guide otherwise I would just end up messy without doing the exercise correctly, I needed professional help. I also need somebody to boost my confidence that I am doing something right (regardless that he is paid to do so).

I have always thought that my body will always have a fat limit, always comfortable saying, ‘This is the fattest that I have ever been’; only to notice that every year I get heavier as I age. I kept eating unhealthy food, I LOVE RICE, and I wasn’t moving. I couldn’t fool myself that I have my limit because my weight kept increasing, my belly looked like a nine-month pregnant or carrying a beer belly like my dad did (yet I don’t even like beer), I now have food allergies, and worst depressed with life although I conceal it.

I have been going to the gym as much as possible three times a week. I usually go home sore in various body parts but I feel really happy. Every time I sweat profusely at the gym, it feels like shedding off my bad voodoos away. I am automatically also conscious about what I eat now and really paying attention to my trainer who knows best except counting the calories of all food intake, I still don’t want to learn that.

My tummy is now smaller than it used to be. My happiness level is genuine and moving uphill. My energy is not 100% strong but I have that inner glow to appreciate the beautiful, to be very hopeful that life is freakishly amazing, and the will power to make things happen. Was all these a result of the gym, maybe not, but it is one heck of a great starting point for a positive life. Go and exercise, not necessarily for weight loss, but think to live a ‘healthy life’.

Photo Source: Business Insider

[1: 1,873 of 10,000] My Wake Up Call Is A DEVIL Tarot Card

In Journal on April 1, 2017 at 4:22 PM

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I was down… drowning.

Emotionally that I have thought repeatedly of being dead is better but I know I will never attempt suicide and I didn’t have to because I live each day without peace and it is as good as dead. I am drained even at work for being unable to excel, tensed to achieve perfection at all times, and got undermined.

Physically because I am gaining weight slowly but surely, last year my food allergy got revealed from poultry, egg, and seafoods – imagine all seafoods, including maki’s nori. I miss my fried chicken and my Japanese food.

I am lonely.

I long for someone to hug me and I don’t get it anywhere. I know that I have to completely love me before I go looking for someone to do that or it’s an absolute disaster. I know God loves me but I couldn’t connect with Him because I am not making any positive change.

I like to peek the future. I like to look forward to a good news. I went to see a tarot card reader and she was blatant that everything looks well except for a ‘dark’ one blocking everything. She reminded me to be grateful but in my head I am but it just doesn’t feel light. I do sense a block. My world was shaken up when the ‘devil’ card appeared. Am I Dexter now with my own type of ‘dark passenger’?

As soon as I left the tarot card reader, I decided that I am not going to be defeated by a devil or my own silliness of thinking that I am better than everyone else or I am too bad than everyone else. I am going to make my life beautiful.

Right now, I smile, a good one.

[1: 1,870 of 10,000] There Is No Such Thing As Wasted Love

In Journal on March 11, 2017 at 10:36 AM

I shouldn’t fool myself, there is no such thing as WASTED LOVE. If it is true love, it grows root and it multiplies.

It isn’t love when I expect something in return. It is love when I give without hesitation but comes from a pure heart. What is a pure heart? I believe that I am made of love, and everything that I do that is genuine must be a continuity of love. I do not to have harmful intentions towards myself or others.

I do acknowledge that I needed help to keep the love flowing by connecting with the source, and that source is God.

[1: 1,867 of 10,000] Is This A Craving To Be A Parent?

In Journal on January 22, 2017 at 10:40 PM

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I could feel the drive of a parent, to be a determined and responsible for a new human life. A parent even has a creed to give more than he ever enjoyed in his life for the sake of his child. A parent becomes selfless and turned into a superhero.

It crossed my mind what kind of child will I conceive in this world? Will it look like me having half of my DNA? But I got to remind myself that I don’t own the child, it has a faith of its own. Will I be used as a contributor? Will I have Abraham’s legacy to have as many offsprings as the countless stars?

I wanted to create a business empire where there is honesty, enjoyment, and growth. I want to serve with kindness, inspiration, and love. I wanted to find my tribe so we can do it together. Oh how I long for this, my baby.

Photo source: Mt. Hope Family Center

[1: 1,865 of 10,000] Oh Love

In Journal on January 18, 2017 at 10:03 AM

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My latest lesson is about love.

I started from listening to Mandy Len Catron’s TED talk about “A better way to talk about love.” People are used to the notion that falling in love is getting mad and crazy; so she shared a better metaphor, which is “Love is a collaborative work of art.” This then allows men to decide what love would looks like.

The movie Inferno (2016) shared interesting lines about love: “Love awakens the soul to act,” spoken by Bertrand Zobrist. This line puzzled me as I seem to have a sleeping soul, pausing and not in action. Do I know what really love is?

So I always go back to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, that makes a great sense as my guide:
Love
is patient
is kind
does not envy
does not boast
is not proud
does not dishonor others
is not self-seeking
is not easily angered
keeps no record of wrong
does not delight in evil
rejoices with the truth
always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres

How about you, what is your definition of love?

[1: 1,864 of 10,000] “I Don’t Know” Is An Answer

In Article, Journal on January 17, 2017 at 12:09 AM

Monk with Bowl by Min Wae Aung

Today, I finally understood that not knowing the answer is enough to let matters go. I finally accepted it without resistance.

I finally see these statements more clearly –

  • Let go of what you cannot control.
  • It doesn’t have to have a reason.
  • It is not my place to know if it is meant to be.
  • I don’t need to be right.

I’ve always insisted that everything must have a form. Every thing, every one including me can be judged.

No wonder The Monk Hakuin with an encounter with a villager’s baby was at peace and says is that so. Paul Schubert was right to observe that the monk had responded appropriately, to respond to the moment of what’s best. The baby needed someone to care for it regardless of how the people tainted his reputation or the accusation is untrue. What a great way to live and it will eliminate all the dramas of my ego.

I am here and I will give my best. I cannot explain nor answer the rushing questions of why it happened, why it didn’t happen, and it is okay. I am alive and I will respond with effort and love.

I don’t know and it is so.

Photo credit: Monk with Bowl by Min Wae Aung

[1: 1,863 of 10,000] How Can I Not Be Grateful?

In Journal on January 15, 2017 at 9:45 PM

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There was a time in my life that I live in an apartment with mice. The place was so small that one night, one crawled on me, and I never had a peaceful night ever again. At that time, I was working in a company that is in a brink of bankruptcy and it couldn’t pay me my salary.

Few years back, I quit my job with credit card debt, a bank loan to pay, and I have to be dependent on my sisters for about 7 months. I tried to sell my valuables and approached people I know who I don’t normally ask for personal loan. No one ever lend me any money but I was able to count on my sisters, and no one else. At that point, I promised to myself that I will never be in that position again, begging for money.

My parents were great. They were hard working and provided for my sisters and I until the business didn’t work out anymore. I never have to work and study, I just have to study and they work. As the business crashed, so is their relationship as a couple, and I even wondered if will I grow up to be like my mother? Strong, resourceful, but believed that to save her daughters she committed adultery. Without my mother’s effort, I wouldn’t be in Dubai right now with a comfortable life.

It is good to remember that life was never easy and I will never go back in time to change it. Why would I bother to go back if I have this very moment to make the best choice? How can I not be grateful when I now sleep on my own bed when I used to sleep on the floor with a mattress? How can I not be grateful if I am paid with an on time salary?

I can only be grateful and to pray too that I remain focused and courageous to be loving and creative.